All in God's Time

New Routine

2012-01-24T13:27:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is D-day...back to work. So, today I tried a new morning routine (to see how I'd do if I needed sleep!) I got up at 5am. Well, actually I got up to Emily's fussing at 3:40ish and couldn't fall back asleep after I gave her her bottle, but I tried my best to rest even though I couldn't sleep.

I hit snooze and tried my best to take as LONG as possible for the test drive. I did my usual run of 3 miles and I focused on my legs for a little strength training. I left the gym at 6:10ish and came home to shower and get ready. I shaved in the shower, to make the shower as long as possible and got ready-hair and make up. I had all this done by 7:09am!

I'm hoping that this new routine will be something that I can do at least 3 days a week.
It will allow me my work out time, which I need and also teach Emily the importance of taking care of yourself. I figure from now until she graduates, the afternoons after school and evenings will be busy, so I'm going to try to make my work outs a priority.

The only thing that stinks with my new schedule is I won't have time for my bible time in the morning, but I think this could be a good thing. I will now have time to read it in the evening with my little girl. Again, teaching her that bible time is essential.

I'm hopeful this new routine will work. That way when I leave school to go get my little peanut, we have the whole rest of the afternoon and evening together. I'm thinking I will try to get up at 5 everyday, but on Wednesdays go to work early. I used to stay late one day after school, so if I do it in the morning, hopefully I will be the best teacher, but an even more amazing Mom to my precious girl.

I'm not posting this to brag or say that I've got it all figured out, but I'm posting it here so that you can keep me accountable. I ~~want~~ NEED to work out or I lose it. My sanity, that is! I'm just hopeful I can adjust to the new sleep pattern. Emily and I will probably be in bed by 8 together! :0)

Praise the LORD!!!

2012-01-20T18:27:00.000-05:00

January 20, 2012- this will be one of those days that will forever be burned in my memory. Today is the day that Theresa, Emily's birth mom, signed over her rights. We are so happy and excited to know that our precious little girl is ours. We, obviously, still have the rest of the adoption process to go, but we are pretty sure we'll do fine with our home visits! :0)

Dawn told us that Theresa was very emotional. So, please pray for her and Mark that they will be able to mourn, grieve and deal with their decision. I can't imagine what is going on in their hearts. I think all birth moms and dads are the amazing heroes in an adoption. They love the child so much to give them a life they can't at this time. That is so courageous and loving. Emily will always know how much her birth family loved her.

We are going out to dinner to celebrate with the whole family. I cannot wipe this smile off my face! We are so happy.

It's also hard to believe that Emily will be 2 months old tomorrow. Time sure is flying! She is growing so much. She has about 2 newborn diapers left and that's a good thing. She is moving on to Stage 1! Her newborn clothes are still fitting, but the sleepers are getting really snug. She's got some big ol feet and those toesies are smushed up in the newborn sleepers. She now likes the other Avent pacifiers and thank goodness...she can keep them in better than the Smoothie kind. But, we still rotate them to give her some variety! :0) Her hair is incredible. I had to blow dry it yesterday because I was afraid of it being too wet before we left. She loved it and actually fell asleep. She is LOVING bath time and is starting to enjoy tummy time. She doesn't scream as much anymore! In fact, she's sleeping right next to me on her tummy right now! She started this horrendous screeching when she starts to cry. I think we have a little drama queen on our hands!

I go back to work on Wednesday. I know it will be hard, but the more I've been thinking and praying about it, the more I realize this is good for the both of us. It allows me to do something that I love and contribute to the family fund, as well as giving her time to socialize with other people. It will make the time we have together so much more special (as if that's possible.), too. Jesse will be home on Wednesdays and he will not take her to the sitter until 10ish Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. I will pick her up around 4 most days. That's only 6 hours- 24 hours a week. One day a week she will be without Mommy or Daddy. I think that's really good! I'm trying to look at it half full instead of half empty. I will have to learn how to get all my stuff done at school because I don't want to come home and have tons of things to do. I want to focus on my baby girl!

Life is so good!! This smile is permanent! :0)

How Ironic

2012-01-14T13:03:00.000-05:00

Shortly after Emily came home, Jesse mentioned to me that he wanted to get in shape this year. It kinda made me laugh...I've been trying to get him to take better care of himself for awhile and now my little peanut is finally making him see. Hey, I guess whatever it takes! :0)

He told me that he wanted to run the half marathon that I ran this past April this coming April and asked if I'd help him train. (He only did the relay this past April.) Then he dropped the bomb that he wanted to run the Detroit Free Press marathon in October. I just about spit out my drink at those words. What?? Really? Okay. I'll support him, but there's no way I'm doing a marathon. I'll do another half, but a marathon...come on!

So, Sunday we finally got back to church! YES!! Well, we walk in and our friends bombard us with these papers and are going on and on about running a marathon in October. The church is sponsoring a church-wide group to run the Chicago marathon. I couldn't help but giggle. God was reaffirming Jesse's idea. But not only was he reaffirming it for him, he was making me think- maybe I could do it too?! Each mile that a person runs (with fundraising) will provide a water for a person in Africa. Just a little ironic, dontcha think?

The other funny thing was I've been nagging (yes, I admit full fledged, on his butt, nagging) Jesse about drinking pop. All the sugar and caffeine and crap. I kept telling him how very bad it was for him. Well, I got a scale for Christmas from a friend and he weighed himself. He's down almost 20 pounds. He's been sick, but 20 pounds?!? I asked him what he's been doing differently. At first he said he wasn't sure. Then he pointed to some pop that we had on the counter when friends came over and he said, "I think not drinking that stuff has helped too!" I couldn't help but do the told ya so on him for that one!

One more bonus to our special little girl- she's helping Daddy to become healthier! I think Miss Em and I are making a great duo teaming up on Daddy! :0)

Emily Ilene

2012-01-12T18:26:00.000-05:00

I just realized that I never posted Emily's name. She is such a blessing. We love the little peanut so much! The day after she was born, Dawn from the agency, kept calling because they needed her name. Jesse and I couldn't decide. It was either Emily or Olivia. We have a friend with a daughter named Olivia and I have always LOVED Emily. (Sparty's name at the rescue before we brought her home was Emily, but I was adamant about changing it because I loved the name! Who knew!) So, finally, after agonizing about it, we decided on Emily. I was so afraid of naming her. After we said it, there was no going back! That was a lot of pressure.

As for Ilene, those of you who have been following our journey, know that we lost a dear family friend the weekend before we got the call that we were matched with Miss Em. We both felt that Trish had something to do with us being matched, but neither of us liked the name Patricia...(we worked with a Patricia when we were dating that drove us both INSANE!) Trish didn't seem the right name, but then we remembered that Trish's middle name was Ilene. That's when we knew- Emily Ilene.

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Things have been going well over here. Jesse got sick and Emily's been a little fussy the past few days. I really hope she isn't catching what he had.

I'm dreading January 25th. That's back to work day! I never thought I'd not want to go back. I always thought I'd need to work, but after being home these past few weeks, I'm dreading going back. I can't imagine leaving this little girl! I'm so sad about it. The only thing getting me through is that I know Winter break is a few weeks after I go back. Then we have Easter break. By the time we get back from that, we will be on the down slide of the year. Please pray for me...I'm really struggling.

Next Friday is the court date. I'm getting anxious and hoping that everything goes as expected. It's pretty nerve-wrecking! We are so in love with this little girl and can't imagine our lives without her! We are just praying for God to take control and allow us to trust in Him!

Huge Blogger Give Away!!

2012-01-12T12:38:00.000-05:00

The Blog Designer Network has a HUGE blogger give away! You can win fonts, credits from istockphoto, gift certificate to MyGrafico and much, MUCH more!!! Check it out!!

Awesome GIVEAWAY!!

2012-01-06T13:55:00.001-05:00

Hey all you teacher bloggers! Christina Bainbridge is one of my FAVORITE teacher bloggers and I follow her on my school blog. She is having a huge giveaway that ends tomorrow morning. Be sure to check out her blog to enter to win!

Date...FINALLY!

2011-12-27T18:13:00.000-05:00

Soooooo excited!! But a little nervous and annoyed. We just got a call from our adoption worker that our birthmom FINALLY has her court date. It's set for January 20th at 2pm. I was hoping it would've been sooner, but I have faith that God will provide and everything will be okay. I just read a blogger who wrote "Let your faith be bigger than your fear." That will be my mantra for the next month or so!

November 21, 2011 Part 3

2011-12-26T17:16:00.000-05:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to complete this story. With the holidays and all the craziness of a newborn, life has been pretty hectic...but I'm NOT complaining!!!!!

So, we went home on Thanksgiving to have dinner with Jesse's family and for us to get some things done at home. We knew that rounds were done at 9am each morning, but because they were so busy in the NICU, Jesse decided he'd go in to work and I would take the dogs for a walk and go to the gym while we waited. I planned on calling the hospital around 11, just to give them time and to not be those parents! But, as I was walking out the front door with the dogs, my cell phone rang. It was a number with the Grand Rapids area code, so I answered. It was the wonderful nurse, Ellen. She had called to tell us that our dear, precious Emily was ready to go home. I was beyond excited! I told her we probably wouldn't be able to head up there until noon, so we wouldn't get there til probably 3 or so.

I walked out the door and nearly skipped the whole time walking the dogs. (I did call Jesse before I left.) Jesse came home around noon and we were off shortly after. The drive there was agonizing. I just couldn't wait to bring our baby girl home.

In a ride that seemed like forever, we FINALLY got there. The adoption worker was there and we were allowed to change Emily into her outfit and feed her. It took us some time, but after we did, we were allowed to leave. My cousin and her family came to see Emily. My little godson, Pete, was adorable. He saw her and said, "hi, baby!" When she didn't respond, he looked up at me with a look of disgust and said, "she doesn't talk?!" We all laughed and explained to him that she would talk in time.

Ellen, by law, had to walk Emily out to the car and hand her to the adoption worker. The adoption worker, then had to hand her to us! We were beside ourselves with joy. We took some pictures and took off on the longest journey yet...coming home! I sat in the back seat to make sure our little peanut was okay. Since it was nearly 6 pm by the time we left, it was dark, so every half hour or so, I'd ask Jesse to turn on the light so I could make sure that Emily was okay.

We had to stop at Target to pick up some more formula. (We didn't realize the hospital gave us any, or we wouldn't have stopped on BLACK FRIDAY!) It was pretty painless and we were back on the road.

We got home to Jesse's family waiting for us. That night was amazing. We didn't get much sleep and we set the alarm every 3 hours...DUMB! But, we are first time parents, so we had to go through all the trials and errors on our own.

We were so happy to finally have our baby girl at home. Where she belonged. The dogs were instantly protective of her and wanted to be around her all the time. It was a dream come true.

This is Pete wearing his best!

My cousin, Christina's family

Getting ready for the ride home

All safe and secure

Emily and Grandma P

Auntie Betty

Auntie Mare Mare

November 21, 2011 Part 2

2011-12-08T12:02:00.000-05:00

That night was insane. Jesse was scrambling to get the car seat installed. I began washing everything we had received already. At around ten in the evening, my cousin texted me with go out on your porch. I went out there to find a huge basket full of goodies. My cousins who live an hour away rushed up to the store and bought us a ton of things for Emily. I was so touched. Another friend dropped off the bassinet for us to borrow. It was such an amazing night.

Tuesday was rough. I knew I had to go into work, but all I could think about was getting to Grand Rapids to see our daughter. My sub came to school that day. Bless her heart. It was such an insane day, she looked like a deer in headlights. I had no time to prepare anything for her and I know I was so scattered. I just kept saying, "Don't worry. My teaching partner will help you!"

That day I had a publishing party with my students and parents. I knew I had to share the news with them, but I was terrified. I didn't know if they would be upset...I didn't care if they were, but I just didn't know what to expect. So, I told them that we were chosen and that our baby was due December 8th, but we had no control over the due date and our daughter was born the night before. When I said those words, the whole room gasped. It was amazing. I somehow held it together. Parents were so supportive and caring. A few parents rushed home to get me some essentials that I would need. I have the best job ever!!

I called Dawn after the school day ended. We weren't sure what the plan was. Were we rushing up there that night? Would we wait til Wednesday? What? What? What? Well, Dawn said the birth grandmother wanted to say good-bye to Emily and she was coming up after work on Tuesday and Theresa still hadn't been discharged. We had set up a time to meet at the hospital on Wednesday at 1pm.

Tuesday night a couple really good friends, Adelaide and Stacie, came over to help get things organized. They helped me finish get all the clothes ready, set up her room and just celebrate that our baby girl was born. Another friend, who is a car seat engineer, Kimmy, came over to inspect the car seat and make sure we did it right. I crashed on the couch as everyone was helping get things organized.

Wednesday morning was insane. I got up and got ready. Jess went out to run a few errands, so I passed the time cleaning the house. Finally we left at about 9:30. That drive was the LONGEST drive of my life. I was on pins and needles. I was so nervous. I was afraid. How would our daughter respond to us? Would I be a terrible mother? I had all these thoughts running through my brain, so I tried to silence them by reading, but nothing quite settled me.

We got there a little early and waited and waited and waited for Linda, the pregnancy counselor to arrive. She, of course, was about 20 minutes late and when she walked in, she proceeded to tell us that never in her 23 years of doing this had she experienced this...the hospital was not going to release the baby to us because they had an adoption go bad recently and all the paperwork didn't have identifying information on it since it was a closed adoption. The hospital worker had their lawyer in on it. I was thinking, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME?!" But, she said sign these papers and hopefully it will all go through.

All I could think was, "Can anything run smoothly for us in this process????"

We finally got up to see our little girl and she was an angel. I immediately bent down to kiss her and the nurse handed her to me. I had a smile the size of Texas. All my fears faded as I held her for the first time. She was our baby girl. I was mesmerized! Watching Jesse hold her was very emotional. He never held a baby and seeing him hold Emily made it more real...this was happening.

We spent the whole day sitting with her and kissing her and holding her and loving her. We also had to do some training things before she was allowed to leave with us. So, I was all about getting our list crossed off! We sat there all day. We didn't leave at all. But, by 8ish, we were getting hungry. So, we kissed our baby and told the nurses we'd be back in the morning.

We went to grab something to eat and then crashed at my cousin's house. (She lived 10 minutes from the hospital.) I texted Dawn about what the deal was with Emily being allowed to leave with us. She called me back at 10 to talk. I was so impressed. She told us that everything was all set and when Emily was ready to go home, she would be going home with us!!!

I didn't sleep well that night. All I could think about was Emily at the hospital and us not being there. Morning couldn't come fast enough. And when it did, I couldn't get to the hospital fast enough!! When we got there, the doctor asked us where we stayed for the night and if we had any questions. We were both very impressed with how nice he was. He said they were running behind with the rounds, but they'd begin soon. We went in and loved on our girl for awhile. We learned from the day before and went down to grab some turkey to eat before the docs did the rounds.

When we came back, they told us that Emily would not be going home that day. Her umbilical cord was a little inflamed and they wanted to make sure it wasn't infected. They wanted to watch her breathing a little more and make sure she was eating extremely well. He said the earliest would be tomorrow, Saturday at the latest! As the doctor walked away, the nurse said she would do everything in her power to get her home on Friday, the next day.

We stayed with Emily until 2ish and then decided to come home for Thanksgiving dinner, get some clothes and head back up. It was hard leaving her, but I knew she was in good hands.

November 21, 2011 Part 1

2011-12-02T17:55:00.000-05:00

November 21, 2011...The day our lives changed forever! Let me do a little back story. On Tuesday, November 15th, we received a call from our adoption worker that our birth mom was missing. She had a history of drug abuse, however, cleaned up after learning she was pregnant. We were told she relapsed. No one knew where she was or when she'd return. Oh, and Nov. 15th was one of my parent-teacher conference days. I still don't know how I got through that?!

We heard nothing at all the rest of the week and, of course, nothing over the weekend. We had no idea where she was or what to think. I made the mistake of watching a horrible show called Cell Block 6- Female Ward that Saturday while I was at the gym. HUGE mistake! It put even more horrible thoughts in my head as to where and what our birth mother was up to!

Needless to say, by Monday, I was low. Really low. I came into work and told the girls I was so over the adoption process. I mean, I felt so close, but so far. How do you lose a birth mother? A 9 month pregnant birth mother, no less?

So, I called our adoption worker in the morning telling her how discouraged and hopeless I was feeling. She said she would call the Grand Rapids office and fill us in. At lunchtime, she called to tell me that they had found the birth mother and she had been staying at a hotel and was safe. We found out that the birth father we had thought all along was the birth father might not be the birth father. She admitted and told her boyfriend (the man we thought was the birth father) that there was a possibility of another birth father and snapped because she couldn't handle the stress. So that was a lot to handle, but I felt good that at least she was okay.

Our adoption worker asked if I would like to have a conference call with the pregnancy counselor in Grand Rapids. The Grand Rapids lady would NOT call us directly. She would call our adoption worker and she would have to get a hold of us. I thought that was pretty dumb...Why couldn't she just contact us directly? So, I talked to Jesse and we were going to set up a conference call for Wednesday. Dawn, our adoption worker, said she'd call back after she talked to Linda, the Grand Rapids pregnancy counselor.

My phone went off at 3:05, just as the kids were doing their jobs, chaos was ensuing in my room, so I answered it expecting Dawn to tell me that we had a set conference call for Wednesday. That is NOT what Dawn told me. She said instead, "Hi, Michelle. We just got a call from Linda. Mark (the boyfriend) called to tell us that Theresa (birth mom) was admitted to the hospital." Oh, great, now what? was my first thought! "Theresa is in labor!" What? Did she just say what I think she said? The next few minutes were a complete blur?! Kids were running around the room. I could barely listen to Dawn, my heart was pounding so hard! Our baby was on the way!!

I somehow made it through the kids leaving. Screamed the news to my friends and Jesse and then proceeded to figure things out with my principal about my sub and all the formalities of my leave. Then I walked aimlessly around my classroom not sure what to do next. After about an hour, I left and went to the chiropractor. I definitely needed an adjustment after this! I left my phone in the car to charge, since it was practically dead after all my phone calls.

When I was leaving I noticed I had missed a call from Dawn. The message said something like this, "Hi, Michelle. It's Dawn. Theresa delivered the baby. You have a daughter!" I was driving down the freeway and tears were streaming down my face!! I had a daughter!!! Me, a mother!! FINALLY!! I called Jesse and said, "our baby was just born. Come home!" He said, "okay, I'm on the way." and hung up. I laughed to myself as the phone started ringing immediately because I knew what he was going to ask, "what do we have?" When I told him a girl. I could hear the joy in his voice.

When Jesse came home, I hugged him and cried my eyes out. FINALLY!! Our baby was born!!! We finished sorting things in the nursery and getting things ready around the house. We weren't sure when we'd be able to go to the hospital. Since it is a closed adoption, we would have to wait until Theresa was discharged to go there. I asked Dawn if I should take Tuesday off and she said no, there wasn't anything we would be able to do, so she didn't want me to waste my day off.

I will continue the story later, but I will leave you with some pictures of our baby girl!

She's HERE!

2011-11-21T22:36:00.000-05:00

What a crazy day! It started off with me emailing the agency saying I was so frustrated with everything and ended with the birth of our daughter!! We are parents!! Our daughter, name still yet to be determined, was born today, November 21, 2011 at 4:20 pm. She weighed 5 1/2 lbs with jet black hair. We aren't able to meet her yet. Due to our adoption being closed, we have to wait until birthmom is discharged.

This is insane!!! I'm a flippin mother!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!! Details and pictures to come!! Love you guys!!

Negativity

2011-11-10T07:06:00.001-05:00

I don't know why I'm so surprised. God is amazing! I have been struggling with negativity in my life. It has been convicting me for quite awhile, but it's such a hard habit to break. It's hard to not get wrapped up with the drama of things that happen in school or to not let the garbage you hear about what's coming down the line in education to not affect you. It's hard, and I've been failing hard core.

Yesterday, I was so upset because of things that happened at school...

Then I go to small group and the card we have to apply this week is Replace Negativity. Hello, God, I know you're talking to me. Every time a negative thought enters our head, we have to replace the complaint with something of gratitude. I have my watch on the wrong wrist as a visual reminder. I do not want to be this negative person.

As if that wasn't enough last night, I sit down to read my devotional and bible this morning and the devotional is "Emotions: Who's In Charge of Yours?" Seriously? I am so getting this and not messing this up! I don't want the world's opinions to drive my emotions, I want to be a positive person who people seek. I know this will be extremely hard for me, but I am willing to take on the challenge. I pray that God will be with me and allow me to break one more thing in the cycle Jesse and I have set out to break in our families. Negativity is a huge one in my family. I don't want to follow the path of family members before me. I am willing to create my own path, knocking down barriers that will be there to stop me and make me fail. I know this will be hard, but I know with God's strength, this is something I can overcome.

Today, and everyday, Lord, I pray that you allow me to stop focusing on the negative of this world and allow me to see the bigger picture. The problems that consume my life are not my life. You are. Please help me to stop focusing on what the world, my community and my co-workers deem important. What is most important to me is You and Your Love. Your son died for my sins and that is an ultimate gift. I pray that when negative thoughts enter my mind, you give me the strength to see past them. I need your guidance to shift the lens off of me and my problems and focus them outward. Help me to see the beauty in every day and in everything. Please be with me. In Jesus' name I pray.

I Have to Get This Out

2011-11-05T09:55:00.001-04:00

I have had something on my heart for awhile and I hope that God gives me the words to say it the way my heart intends for it to come across. Trish is in heaven and the day after we said our final good-bye, we got the call about our baby. I have found this to be extremely weird. Our prayers were answered when God took Trish to be home with him. I find this strange.

What I find the most strange, is I have had a feeling for quite some time now that when Trish passed, our baby would be on the way. I can't explain it, it's just some sinking feeling I had deep down in my core. This feeling was so strong that at the memorial last Thursday, I was looking into Trish's eyes in the beautiful portrait that was there and I found myself thanking her. I had no idea that the next day would be the day that would change our lives forever, but I felt that Trish had to go for this to happen. I knew in my heart that Trish would have some way of "making it happen."

I hope I am doing this post justice. I, by NO means, was hoping for Trish to go. I would have prayed for her to stay with us forever. That's why it was so hard for me to pray the prayer Stacie, her daughter-in-law and our friend, asked us to pray. She asked us to pray that the pain go away and if that meant her going to heaven, then that was God's will. I fought that prayer with tears streaming down my face and yelling, "no!" But, after the shock of the possibility of losing Trish faded a little, I felt a sense of calm. A calm that I was fighting God's will and that is a losing battle. Trish was in a lot of pain and how selfish of me to pray for her to stay her when I could pray for the pain to go away. So, I mustered up all the courage I had to pray those words.

Trish was an important person in my life. She was one of those people who never wanted the spotlight, she was happy sitting on the sidelines cheering everyone on. I have NO DOUBT in my mind, she is up in heaven smiling down and cheering us on as we await our new baby. The only thing that breaks my heart more is that Trish will never get to hold our baby and love on it the way she loved on every baby she ever came across. But I know that Trish is happy we got the call. I don't know why I'm crying so hard right now, because I know she up there smiling and telling me how silly I am right now. But, I can't help but feel a little guilty. We lost someone dear to both Jesse and me and then we also got the best news in the world, but I can't help but wonder if this is all true. Did Trish have to go for our prayers to be answered?

This is supposed to be a happy time for me, but I'm having a hard time. I don't care what anyone says, I know in my heart that Trish had a part in this and I don't think I'll ever be able to express how much Trish means to me and how much I love her!

Pinch Me!

2011-11-01T21:31:00.000-04:00

I feel like the past few days has been a dream. Did Friday really happen?? I had to get a hold of the adoption worker just to hear her talk and make sure that I didn't imagine it.

No, it's real. Some new information I found out is the birth family wants no interaction with us at all in the hospital. We will not be allowed contact with the baby until point of discharge to eliminate the possibility of a run-in with us and the birth family. Booo!! That will be hard, but I'm sure we'll survive.

I also asked about the sex of the baby. That is unknown. The birthmom doesn't want to know that at this time.

That's the status so far. I think I'm going to try and get a good night's sleep. I haven't slept well since Friday!! Seriously, am I dreaming...someone pinch me!

We're Official!

2011-10-30T17:47:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I am actually typing these words after 7 years of trying to have a baby and waiting for over a year in the adoption arena. Jesse and I have been officially chosen to be the adoptive parents for a birthmom from Grand Rapids. We are still in shock and can't believe it's true!

I got the call Friday morning. I saw I had missed a call from our adoption worker and just assumed that we had forgot to sign some paperwork when she came over the previous Monday to update our stuff. But about a half hour later, I received another call from a 248 area code. (That's the area code our agency is in.) So, I began to think something was up. So, I checked my voicemail sitting at my u-shaped table with a student who was going to read to me. As I sat there listening, this is a summary of what i heard, "Hi, Michelle, it's Dawn. I'm calling because the birth-family in Grand Rapids has looked over your things and homestudy and wants to officially name you and Jesse as the adoptive family they choose..." I told little Haley I'd be right back and ran to my friends room next door.

As I was running to Heather's room, Darlene (my aide who helps out every day) came in to see if everything was okay. I sent her in to hold down the fort and I'd be there in a minute. I ran into Heather's room and screamed, "They chose us! They Chose us!" I sat there and cried in her arms as I tried to listen to the message Dawn had left. I had no idea what she was saying and I was bawling my eyes out.

When I came back into my room after a few minutes, Darlene had learned what had happened and was asking for details, so was my other friend, Cindy. The kids were supposed to be reading to someone, but I think they were trying their best to hear what I was saying. I feel bad because I lied to my kids and told them that I got great news about my friend having a baby and then I got something in my eye. I was nowhere near ready to share it with them!

So I found out that the birthmom is 34 and has been struggling with drug addiction for a long time. She has admitted to doing drugs until about 3 months into her pregnancy. So, obviously that is a little bit of a concern. We were told our next step would be to meet them in Grand Rapids, but after talking to Dawn, our adoption worker, again, she said that Theresa (birthmom) doesn't want to meet us. She said she was instantly drawn to our profile book and knows we are who she wants, but if she meets us, she will pick us apart and find faults with us. So, she doesn't want to meet us. She also wishes to have a closed adoption. This is pretty shocking, as we've been preparing for an open adoption for a long time.

Mark says he can't deal with the baby and deal with Theresa's addiction. This kind of saddens me, but I know that we will be very open and hopefully eventually they will want some sort of contact.

We don't have details about the sex or anything other than what I already told you. Oh, I don't know if I mentioned this...She's due December 8th! So, we've got about 39 days...Just about 5 1/2 weeks! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! God is good!

Heaven Gained An Angel Yesterday

2011-10-24T06:48:00.001-04:00

It's with a heavy, heavy heart that I write this post. In June 2010, our small group leader's mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It looked dismal at that time, but they took her to specialists and naturalists and we prayed our rear ends off for Trish. As a result, we were blessed with another 16 months with dear, Trish.

I found out on Saturday that when she was given the diagnosis in June, it was stage 4. Stage 4 and she lived as long as she did.

This woman was amazing. It was so neat to watch her journey with God during her battle with cancer. Her faith became so great and she was at peace with her cancer and her outcome. In June of 2011, when we were baptized, Trish was baptized along with us. This woman had the biggest smile imaginable and had the biggest heart.

It was sad to see her in pain because of the cancer. In August, the cancer hit her hard. She had to have surgery and due to the pancreas and other organs shutting down, she turned a yellowish-green color, but her spirit was always bright and sunny, despite how she looked physically.

I was fortunate enough to see her one last time on Wednesday and wish I would've known it would've been the last time I saw her. I have no regrets, but I would've hugged her a little longer or simply told her I loved her!

What breaks my heart the most is our friend's kids. Trish was a daily person in their lives and they are, obviously, broken-hearted. They loved Trish more than words can describe. I pray that God is with them and they can deal with the loss of their loving grandma. Trish loved those kids more than life itself, and it radiated off of her every time she was around them.

I know Trish is heaven right now, happy and healthy and all of us who knew her and loved her have an angel looking down. I know one day we will all see her and she will greet us with her beautiful smile with her arms open wide welcoming us home. But, life's not going to be the same here without her. She was loved by all who met her and faith story with God through all of this inspired me.

She wasn't afraid of death, she didn't want to die and she gave it all she had, but she knew that dying was going home. That she would finally be at peace, with no pain and wrapped in the loving arms of Jesus.

Trish, I will always love you and your presence in my life has made me a better person. You will be missed by all, but mostly by your grandchildren. I pray that Jacob, Caleb, Callie and Luke will be able to deal with the pain of loosing you in a healthy way. I pray that God will give us, the adults in their lives, the wisdom to know how to deal with this with them to make this as easy for them as possible. I am sad you are no longer with us, but I have a joy that can't be explained because our prayers were answered- you are no longer in pain and you are home with Jesus. Thank you for all you have done for everyone whose life you touched. I love you and can't wait to see you in heaven.

Love you always,
Michelle

My Back-Up Plan

2011-10-11T19:04:00.000-04:00

For awhile now, I've been contemplating what I can possibly do with an education degree. It's not that I don't LOVE my job...I DO! It's just I don't know how long I will be able to be an educator based on all the garbage that educators have to deal with. Especially in Michigan. Politicians are going after teachers and making things harder to do our job.

I'm not even talking insurance or pay-rates. I'm talking the standardized tests, merit pay, pitting teachers against each other and not allowing us to work together...things like that.

I think I've mentioned on here before about writing a children's book and I've been doing more writing. I will finish my stories and begin sending them in to publishers this year. But, come on, that's not something I can count on.

But, I've got it!! I've got it!!! When Jesse and I went to the gym last week, we picked up the magazine that they have there. That's when it hit me. What am I most passionate about? Kids and nutrition/exercise. I said to Jesse, we should look into opening an Anytime Fitness and I should look into getting certification to be a trainer. Then I can work with people to help them become healthier. I can also hold exercise classes for kids.

I think Jesse thought I was just blowing smoke, but it's been over a week and I can't stop thinking about this idea. I think this would be an AWESOME thing for Jesse and I to do together. It would allow me more freedom when we do start our family and it would be something that makes me happy and I'm extremely passionate about...

I don't know. I think I'm on to something!!

Doing Better

2011-09-24T19:13:00.000-04:00

Well, I made it! I wouldn't say the birthday was a "success," but I made it. Jesse was so supportive, it was great.

Last Saturday we had a birthday party for our friend's 2 daughters. It was pretty hard to get through. We were the only ones there without children. I was shocked because I didn't know a couple friend (more of a friend of a friend) had a baby. It was just tough. After that, Jesse and I went to a comedy show together. We did our best to just have a good time together and forget that we are childless.

My actual birthday was okay. It's amazing how many birthday wishes you get from people on fb. It really made me feel good. My work friends helped me get through it. Later that evening we went to my favorite restaurant with my dad and Jesse's sisters. Everyone is coming over tomorrow for dinner and to celebrate it together.

I'm just really hoping this is the last birthday I feel so down in the dumps...it's no fun!!

Birthdays and Infertility Just Don't Mix!

2011-09-16T07:15:00.000-04:00

I used to be one of those obnoxious people who would start counting down my birthday 6 months before the BIG event. My birthday turned into a birthday week and I LOVED feeling special and always wanted to celebrate.

Something changed when infertility stepped into my life. The countdown has gotten shorter and shorter and forget celebrating for a week. I'd rather hide under a rock and forget the whole day exists. Why? Well, every birthday to me isn't so much a celebration of the year or the excitement of what's to come. To me, it's become one more year. One more year of trying, one more year of hoping, one more year of fooling myself that next year will be different.

I wish so bad that I could stop these feelings, but I really can't. It's sad. It hurts and honestly, it freakin sucks!

I'm going to be 32 on Monday. 3-2, 32. Do you know what I pictured for myself at 32?! Not this. Last year, I even had the hope that with our adoption process started and finishing up our home study, there was NO doubt in my mind that September 19, 2011 would be the one that was what I always hoped for. But, no.

I just feel like everything I have hoped for and everything I have wanted just happens to other people and will never happen for me. So many people don't even realize the gift they have been given when they have a baby. I would do anything for it.

I know we have a lot going for us and, hopefully, in January or February we will be going through our FET. But, I just feel like, something will go wrong, something will fall through, it somehow won't work out. That's just what happens to us!

I'm trying to turn my spirits around, but it's really hard not to turn 32 and know that you have been trying for 7 years and you're still waiting. I feel like God may have forgotten about me.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I just needed to get this out. Thanks for listening.

Healing and Dealing

2011-09-01T08:15:00.001-04:00

Faith does not eliminate problems. Faith keeps you in a trusting relationship with God in the midst of your problems. ~Henry Blackaby

This quote really spoke to me yesterday during my quiet time in the morning. What we've been through in the last week has been tough. It was beyond hard loving on that child and not knowing if he would be ours. It was even harder praying for God's will to be done. We prayed that if he was to be our son that God opened the doors that we needed to open- the loan from the bank and getting the time off from work. Both of those doors stayed locked and wouldn't budge. Jesse and I tried to pound them down, but they remained closed.

We wanted that baby more than anything, but I feel that saying that we would take that child would have been the easier choice. It was everything we ever wanted at our fingertips, but instead of acting on our wants, we prayed about it and felt that God was telling us this isn't it.

It was not all about the money. Yes, that was a factor, but it was more of what we felt God saying to us. We won't ever know why we went through that week. Maybe it was because on Saturday I had a valley day. I was upset my period was a day late and was crying that I didn't understand why we had to go through all of this. Jesse said I just wish we could have a sign. Jesse feels this was our "sign." You're on the right path, keep going.

I think it had more to do with bringing Jesse and I closer together and also closer to Him. I have surrendered my desire to have a baby many times. Mostly doing it because I knew I had to, but, I guess, not ultimately doing it for the "right" reasons. As of today, I officially surrender all my fears, anxieties, timelines and wishes to God. It has nothing to do with me. He already has a plan for us and we just have to follow it. This week made my faith in Him stronger than I've ever had.

I'm okay with what happened because I feel we truly listened to God and followed His direction and it feels good. Am I mad about my district not getting back to me til yesterday? Yep! Am I mad that we didn't have the loan figured out? You bet! But, we're getting that worked out now. We learned from it and I've been praying everyday for that little baby boy that I got the pleasure to love on for 5 days. I probably won't ever know what will happen to him or how he's doing, but for those few days I was a Mom and know that however our baby comes, that baby will be loved and cared for beyond my wildest dreams.

I trust God has a plan. I am willing to follow Him. I no longer care about my desires for our baby, but want the baby He has picked out for us. I have faith that it will happen.

What the HECK Just Happened?!

2011-08-27T08:34:00.000-04:00

All I can say is, whoa! What a flippin week! Thanks for all your prayers, I could feel them. I apologize for being so vague, but I didn't want to say anything until I knew something. So, here's the story...

On Monday morning, we received a call from the agency that they had a baby for us. He was born on Sunday, August 14th, but the poor little guy came with a lot of issues. His BM had a previous child (not sure how old), but had lost custody rights to the BF. CPS was involved, I'm assuming for her "extra curricular activities!" This little guy's BF was not aware she was pregnant until she was in labor and signed off on his rights! YAY!

Then we find out that the BM had claimed to do marijuana, opiates, alcohol and smoke throughout the pregnancy. Not to mention no prenatal care.

On top of that, he had a severe heart defect, truncus arteriosus. This condition would require surgery within the next two weeks, as well as a surgery when he was a little bigger and stronger. This obviously meant he would need very close medical care. Not only did he have that, but his organs were all jostled around and not where they need to be. Oh, and on top of all this, he ingested meconium at birth and had some lung issues.

Jesse and I were so torn. This was EVERYTHING we were afraid of, but we figured, this would be what God would test us with. We felt that everything we had been through must be because we are now strong enough to deal with this. So, we immediately headed down to Children's hospital to get some answers from the doctors and nurses.

When we got there, he was so little. He scared me with all the tubes and monitors beeping. After we spoke with the doctors and nurses. The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him. I told her I was scared. I was afraid to hold him. I didn't want to get attached if it wasn't meant to be. But, of course, I held him. While I was holding him his breathing machine went from 75 to 91. I just remember holding him and telling him, that he would be alright and I wouldn't let anything bad happen to him. It was an instant attachment.

The rest of the week was spent dealing with insurance, the bank and my HR department. We found out that he would be fine on our insurance, but we couldn't get an answer from the bank. We needed a loan for the rest of the fees we owe. Plus, I only got 10 days of paid leave and I wanted to use 30, since I have 42 in my sick bank. We prayed all week that if this was His will to allow doors to open to make this possible.

By Thursday we were feeling very defeated. And by yesterday at 5, after numerous calls to the bank and to my HR, we knew we couldn't keep the baby waiting. He had to find his family. It wasn't fair to him or his parents to keep them apart. We called the agency asking and they said although they understood they needed to find him his family and really couldn't wait. So, with a heavy, heavy heart we had to say no.

It really upsets me that NO ONE from my HR contacted me. And as far as they know, I'm still waiting on them for an answer. I'm also really upset that it came down to money. Jesse thought that because he just paid off his business loan (which was pretty much the same amount we would need for the fees), they would just approve us quickly.

Jesse and I both are heartbroken, but we also know that if it were meant to be, things would've happened and doors would've opened for us. I just don't get why this had to happen. Especially since we have the plan on embryo after the first of the year?!

But, I'm picking myself up, as hard as it is. Dusting the pain and dirt off and continuing the race. It was a tough fall and I'm pretty banged up, but it just makes me know that if I could love and care for this little boy for 5 days, I know the love I have for my child will be immeasurable! Ahhhhh!! Deep breath!

LOTS Going On!

2011-08-24T08:25:00.000-04:00

We have had a whirlwind couple of days! I am simply asking all of you to pray for us in the next couple of days. I will update you as soon as I can! Thanks!! xoxoxo

Calling All Embryo Adoption Bloggers

2011-08-08T11:56:00.000-04:00

Hi ladies! I have been having a carefree summer. Now that it's August and the inevitable is going to happen...school starting soon, I figured it was time to get my rear in gear and start getting some thing done off my check off list. One of them being getting an embryo adoption contract started. Thanks to Tammy, I have her example and I googled some, but I'm not sure what or where to start. Do any of you have any tips or would you be willing to share your contract with me, so I know what I'm supposed to be including? I would REALLY appreciate it. Obviously, get rid of the personal info, but if you'd be willing to share, it would help me enormously! You can email me at mmproper@yahoo.com Thanks!

STAND!

2011-08-01T12:20:00.000-04:00

This weekend was a tough one for me. I found out one of my younger cousins and his wife just found they were pregnant and I wanted to throw a pity party. I was just so upset that we can't do that! It's so frustrating. Then my uncle is posting all these notes on facebook about being excited. It's not that I'm not happy for them, it's just I was sad for us! This sucks!

I was upset and talked to Jess about it. Of course, he tried to change the prospective and that made me feel better. But, I didn't feel better til I was out on my run today. There is nothing like running for me. It's such a parallel of the "race" we're running with our journey for our baby.

I think, by now, you guys all know how much music inspires me and moves me. Well, towards the end of the run today, one of my most favorite songs came on. Stand, by Rascal Flatts! It's so inspiring..."On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough." To me that's the best part of the song! God is always there!

Break the Chain...Or Cycle

2011-07-29T13:13:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I've posted about this before, but I am a HUGE Housewives fan! I love Housewives of New Jersey, Orange County, Beverly Hills and my fave--NEW YORK! I started watching a few seasons back and fell in love with Bethenny Frankel. I loved her sarcasm and honesty. She was hilarious. So, it was no surprise that I would start watching Bethenny Getting Married and Bethenny Ever After...Yes, I am a HUGE reality tv junkie!

Recently she came out with a new book, A Place of Yes, and I got it from the library.

I was curious what she had to say.

I just finished Chapter One, entitled, Break the Chain and I just felt compelled to blog about it. In this chapter she spoke about your upbringing and the things that happen to you growing up or in life don't have to define you. You don't have to follow the way things were, you can chose to take the good and leave the bad. You also have the right to Break the Chain when you are leaving the bad. This struck a HUGE cord with me because Jesse and I have been talking a lot about breaking the cycle in both of our families.

I don't think I've ever mentioned anything about our family, but we are a close knit family that has our issues. We both love our families dearly and had a great childhood, but there are things that we want to break the cycle with our children and our family. We have spoken about this since we started seeing our counselor.

Many times it's not easy to break the cycle. You fall into routines, rituals, or dances (as our wise counselor calls them.) You have to be aware of the things that you do and the way the things you say or do effect other people. Very frequently, in my family, people will say things in the heat of the moment and think that with a simple apology it makes it all better. But as much as I would love to say "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me," is true...it's not! Words DO hurt. They stick with you. They are hard to forget, but in breaking the cycle, I chose to leave that behind.

It takes a very conscience effort to break the cycles of families, but my love for my future children and my husband outweigh ANY obstacles breaking the cycle will bring. I know I have had moments and will have moments that I won't be able to break the cycle. I will say things that hurt people, but I also know that just apologizing doesn't make it better. I will have to show I am wanting to change by making the change and living my life different.

I don't know where this post is coming from, maybe it's because my parents are moving in for a few months while they find their new house. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. But, I just felt I needed to get my thoughts out after reading that chapter. I don't know if the rest of the book will hit me as hard as this one did, but if it did...You'll be hearing more from me!

Email to our Potential Donor

2011-07-21T08:40:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to share a short story with you about what happened last night at small group. We watched a video about putting our trust in God and that was our number one job as Christians. At the end of the video, he asked, "who or what do you put your trust in above God?"

Afterward, we were all asked what we came up with. For me, it was money. And I explained that we worked so hard to have a couple fundraisers and pay off our debt to have a baby. I spoke about using that money and then we need it in the future and we're back at square one. The topic, obviously, came around to the embryo adoption we have with you and my friend asked me if I'm afraid of using all our money for this, and it not working. Yes was my answer. Jesse reassured me that if it came to that, we would be in a much better place financially and it wouldn't be as big as a hit.

Then my friend spoke up and shared that he was thinking about me yesterday. He was amazed that me, here in Michigan, and you, there in XXXX, by some circumstance were united. He spoke of how he knows it's not a coincidence and that God had some hand in this. He said that although we don't know if going through with all of this will bear the fruit we are praying it will, there is some reason that God is doing this.

That helped. Although I know with all my being if I don't go through with this, I will always wonder what if, it is a scary thing. There are so many variables and what ifs and uncertainty, but I'm so excited to give it a try. I'm not going to lie to you, the wait feels like forever. We started "trying" in April of 2004. I threw away the birth control and thought we'd be parents in no time. Obviously, that was not our path. The path, although painful at times, has brought Jesse and I so close I know there is NOTHING that we can't do together. I also know that if we were given the baby when we first wanted, our lives would not be where they are. So, in a weird way, I am thankful for all we have gone through. Saying that, it doesn't make the pain that sometimes sneaks up any easier. I have the strongest desire in the world to be a mom. Sometimes I let that get the best of me. But I just wanted to share with you what happened yesterday, as well as some things that are on my heart!

I am so eager to see where this relationship and journey takes us. Words do not seem enough when I think about the potential gift you will give us, if everything works out. I just wanted you to know what's on my heart today!

No News...

2011-07-20T11:33:00.000-04:00

I broke down yesterday and called our adoption worker. I had a few questions because we had received paperwork to redo our finger prints and physical updates. I wanted to know when it expired and how much time we had. I thought we had a little while. She told me that it didn't expire until October, but they send it early to schedule doc appointments and allow time. I asked a couple more questions. Then I asked the dreaded, where do we stand question.

She told me our profile book has been viewed every month until May. They are experiencing a "quiet time", as she put it. Most birth mothers are already matched and the new ones aren't really into the process yet. I understood.

I hung up and asked Jesse what he thought. He told me that he thinks we'll spend our money for these finger prints and doctors appointments for no reason, because come December we'll have our friend's donated embryos. I just smiled at him.

That is still the hope. We're praying for our friend to deliver a healthy baby in December and hopefully sometime in January or February have our FET!!

We are hoping to go see our donor in November and meet with her doctor. I have to call. But, it still feels so far away. I think I'm going to call to just "touch base" with her doctor, find out his protocol and see what the nurse thinks about November. Should we try to schedule our appointment now?

Thanks and Help!

2011-07-14T08:23:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much for all your encouragement and insight! I can't believe this is happening. We are so excited, but we do have a bit of a wait too. But, I'm getting "good" at waiting! I'm just going to be praying for a healthy baby to be born to my friend. We're talking about going out in November to meet our potential donor and husband. That would be close to her due date and then we could see her RE and hopefully get our things started. This journey is going to be quite interesting.

Now, I need a little help...I'm stuck! My cousin's always have these themed parties. They live out of state, so I'm never able to join. However, I will be able to make the next party. My cousin in Grand Rapids and I will be going out to Chi-town to visit them and be at the party. The only problem...I'm stuck.

The theme is Family TV shows. We have to dress like a character from a family tv show. My cousin is going to be Kim Kardashian. She wants to stuff her butt! :0) She's hilarious. The only thing I can think of is DJ Tanner from Full House. I was thinking of trying to do my hair like this...

The only outfit I can think of is the one where she had jean overalls and a flower shirt. This is the pic...

But, I don't have jean overall shorts?! Anyone got any suggestions?! Please help!

GAME CHANGER...

2011-07-10T16:40:00.002-04:00

You guys are so amazing and supportive, I cannot imagine what I'd do without all of your help. There have been some new things to consider...I don't even know where to begin. Last year when we were considering embryo adoption, a friend (I'm going to keep her identity secret for now), wrote to me expressing that after she completes her second IVF, she would like to donate her embryos to Jesse and me. Obviously we didn't go through with anything last fall and I thought the offer was over. How do you contact someone and say, "yeah, those embryos...are we still on?" I just didn't feel right. So, I didn't think more about it.

After my last post, she contacted me again! Saying that another couple fell through and here she was hoping that we would take her embryos again now that we're considering going through with the process. I was dumbfounded. REALLY?! US?! Are you kidding? Those were just a few of the thoughts that have rumbled around in my head after getting her email.

We have since emailed back a few times and tentatively discussed things. She wants to wait until her second child is here and we completely understand that. She lives in a different state and here are some weird coincidences...or are they God's gifts? She lives about 2 hours away from my sister. My sister's boyfriend just passed his bar exam and is a family law lawyer and can help us with the contract. Jesse and I talked about going for our anniversary next month and now we're seriously considering going that way to meet our potential donor.

Things seem too good to be true. This is EVERYTHING I've been wanting to happen. Yesterday we went to the other side of the state for my godson's birthday. On the way home I voiced my concerns and fears. I voiced a whole range of what ifs... Jesse said he understands, but he's never felt more right about something. We left the conversation with I am hopeful and want to move forward and I will continue to pursue this, but I'm afraid.

On my way to church this morning I prayed for discernment in our decision. I want to know that this is God's will and not me trying to make my desires "God's will." Then we go to church today. Can you guess the topic? Trusting God and not giving in to fear. They did a whole "game" where they called a kid up to walk a homemade balance beam. After the child walked across, they put up beaver traps, bear traps and 18 inch spikes along side the beam and asked the kid if they would want to go now? Of course the kids said no. Then the speaker asked, "if you were able to have your dad walk beside you, catch you if you stumbled and keep you from harm would you do it?" Most of the kids answered yes. They trust their dad that much that they would do it. Obviously no one did this crazy stunt, but the visual made a huge impact.

It's just like our father in heaven. God will hold our hand, walk with us through the hard times. Just like you trust your dad to help you walk across the beam, you can trust God to walk you through the storm. TRUST HIM!

Two verses they said that struck a chord with me were Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Jesse and I didn't sit by each other today because I was helping, but afterward he came up and said, "did you hear that?" I immediately starting crying. God spoke to me. He told me not to fear. He has this. I just have to trust. I do. I will. Here we go. Are you guys up for the ride? I am!!

They ended service with one of my favorite praise songs, here is the song with the lyrics. Enjoy!

Is It Cheating?!

2011-07-05T10:38:00.000-04:00

Thank you for all your comments and support. It has really helped. Here is what I'm struggling with and I guess has a lot to do with my "fear." A few years ago, I prayed and prayed to God to show us what our next steps should be. It began with a whisper and by the end, I felt like God was bashing me on my head to adopt.

Slowly, I realized that being a parent doesn't have anything to do with DNA and biology, but more importantly it has to do with loving, caring and guiding a child. I began to see that being a Mommy was more important than carrying a baby and having it be "part" of us. We looked into adoption.

Soon after, we learned about embryo adoption and felt this was the best of both worlds. It was still adoption, but I would get to be pregnant and experience the ups and downs of carrying a child. We felt great about it. Then I had the most challenging class of my career and decided to wait awhile.

Here we are again. Considering embryo adoption again. I am fearful (for lack of better word) of a couple things. I am afraid of disobeying God. We have waited so long, I know what he has in store for us and planned for us will be better than ANYTHING I can ever imagine. I know that embryo adoption is still adoption, but I feel like I'm cheating a little. I mean, I will get everything I've ever dreamed about: pregnancy, baby, family. Could this be too good to be true?

I've been praying my rear off to make certain that this is what God intends for us. But I'm not sure if I'm hearing him. We've done so much work to follow God's will in our lives, I'm afraid to make the "wrong" decision right now.

I'm still reading that What is God Waiting For book that I mentioned before. Today it talked about waiting it out and dealing with God's delay. I'm conflicted. I don't know if the embryo thing is here because it's what I truly want or if it's what God wants for me. I want with all my being to try it, but don't know if it's what I should do...

Decisions...

2011-06-28T16:11:00.000-04:00

So, I've been a horrible blogger. With the end of the school year and all that jazz, I've just been overwhelmed. Plus, there really wasn't much to say. You know, same ol same ol...

Today we had another appointment with a new reproductive specialist. This is the one that our new OB/GYN recommended. Ironically enough it's at the same office we started our journey, just a different doctor. Anyway...We went to see him. Explained our story. He told us that IVF w/ ICSI he would say is still a possibility, but obviously he'd want another sperm analysis. We were happy to hear that because that's what we were hoping for.

He didn't beat around the bush with us. He was direct and we told him about pursuing adoption. I asked him some questions about the embryo adoption protocol and I really liked what he had to say. No injections. He was kind, knowledgeable and honest. I liked that. He told us he wouldn't recommend us doing IVF w/ ICSI. Just because of all the emotional and physical things that encompass that decision...Let alone the money.

When we left, Jess and I talked. He asked where I stood. I told him I wasn't interested in IVF w/ ICSI. I know that others have done IVF and I am happy that it worked for many of the people. I just don't see myself doing all that stuff. The shots, the medicine, the pain. I can't do it. I would LOVE to have a biological child with Jesse, but I'm just not feeling like that is something I am willing to do. Call me selfish...I have worked hard to try to rid my body of all the toxins the world exposes me to. I just can't do it.

I told him I want to do embryo, but I'm so damn AFRAID!!! I don't know what I'm afraid of though. I'm just terrified to say, "yes, we can do this." All of you that went through embryo, did you have this fear of saying yes? or is it just me?

I'm trying to find what it is I'm afraid of. I think it could possibly be everything. I've wanted this for so long, but what if I hate it. What if I become one of those woman who complain about being pregnant? What if I can't do it? What if it doesn't happen? I just have all these fears floating around in my head, but my gut is telling me, do it! I've just got a lot of thinking to do...

What a Day!

2011-06-25T11:19:00.000-04:00

Baptism was a HUGE day for us. I was emotional beyond all get out. It was an amazing day for us. Many friends and family came. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was. I felt such a relief publicly declaring my love for God. Here are some pictures from the day.

Big Step...Big Day!

2011-06-05T09:23:00.001-04:00

Sorry that I've been out of the loop for a bit here. Jesse and I have made a huge decision in the last couple weeks. We have decided to get baptized...TODAY!

Our church does them once or twice a year. Last year we had helped out and it was so inspiring. There were people who had planned on doing it, but so many people felt the urge and did it spontaneously. I knew Jesse was on the verge last year and asked him about it. We decided to do it and plan on doing it. So we wrote our story, taped it and today's the day. Here's the story that I will share with my church today:

My husband and I started trying to have a family a year after we were married. We soon learned that this would be a difficult road for us. Although I had gone to church all my life and believed in God, I began to grow bitter and stoppedgoing to church as a result of all the pain of the infertility. I put my focus entirely and completely in finding a way to have a baby. I began to realize that something was missing and began searching. That was when we decided to check Kensington out. I remember the first service we heard Dave do was about surrendering. I felt that God was speaking to me. It was my first church experience where I actually got something out of the sermon. I have since realized that I am not complete and something is missing. However, it’s not the baby that I long for that’s missing, it’s Jesus. I know, today, that whatever happens in our lives is ultimately up to God. I know my journey will not be a walk in the park. There will be days that will hurt, there will be days that it will be hard to get through, but I know with all my heart and soul that God loves me and is with me. I don’t know how our story will end, only He knows that. I trust He has a plan for us and I surrender it all to Him.

There's been some backlash from some of my family members because I'm not going to be "Catholic" anymore. I really don't get it. I'm, obviously, not one to get hung up on titles. Yes, I don't go to a Catholic church anymore. I'm sorry, I went for 29 years. I felt like something was missing, began searching and found the church we currently go to. In the past 2 1/2 years we have started going there we met people who have inspired us and helped us become closer to God. I, now, have a relationship with God. I read the Bible daily (well...I try to! Most days I achieve this!) and I know Jesus and love him. Isn't that all that matters?!

Jesus said following him would cause troubles in your life. If my family can't accept that I don't see my religion as a Catholic, Lutheran, Protestant, whatever thing...I follow Jesus, I believe in God and I try to be the best person I can. Today is about proclaiming this in front of everyone! I'm so excited!!

Thanks!

2011-05-18T13:41:00.001-04:00

Thank you doesn't even seem like enough to say to all of you who supported me and lifted me up!! There were many first time commenters that really made me think and helped me. I cannot begin to tell you how much all your comments meant to me!

Ever since Mother's Day, God has been working to show me his love! Infertility is not a fun thing at all. It makes you question a lot of things and never take happiness for granted. we went to our counselor on Wednesday of last week and that helped me a lot! It got Jesse and I on level ground on this subject. Jesse could not see how I can believe in God and have all these doubts.

Through our discussions, I know that my void is a God void. I know what's missing in my life cannot be filled with a child and even if and when we are blessed with a child, I will still have that void. I'm working on filling that void with God. He's been working on me too.

Thursday we had an assembly that is always some type of character growth assembly. This year I felt the assembly was made completely for me. At one point a song came on and they were singing Believing in Miracles! WOW! Then they talked about not doubting yourself and speaking negatively, like I can't do this, I'm bad at that. I can't remember all the details of the assembly, but I came home and told Jesse that God was talking to me.

Then, at church on Sunday, the whole topic was about God's love. It spoke of the story of the woman at the well and that although she didn't feel worthy, God loved her. I'm seeing it, slowly, but surely.

Infertility sucks and some days are better than others. I know God has a plan for me, I know he loves me and I know that I have work to do on my journey with him. It isn't all roses and sunshine. The roses have thorns, and sunshine can burn, but I'm not going to focus on that. I have a God who loves me and is trying to teach me something along this journey. I want to come out on the other side a better person. So, I'm willing to listen and do my best to change.

Thanks for joining me through my ups and downs. It's nice to know there are so many others out there who feel the feelings, know the pain, confusion and uncertainty. Thanks!

Loved? Not So Sure...

2011-05-09T06:56:00.002-04:00

I've been rumbling with this post for a long time. I knew how I felt in my heart, but couldn't express the words to make it coherent. I hope that I am able to do that. I know my words might offend some people. That is not my intention. These are my true feelings and I'm hoping some of you stronger Christians can walk me through this.

I have struggled with my faith for a long time. Being raised Catholic (I'm just speaking from my experience) I was taught, you go to church, you follow the rules, you pray, you ask for forgiveness and try to be your best everyday. That makes a good Catholic and good things will happen.

Along my journey I learned that this wasn't the true case. Faith wasn't a follow the rules and good things will happen to you kind of thing. Faith is having a relationship with God daily and knowing God is there. I slowly, very slowly, began to see my faith bloom. I researched my doubts and I came up with God is real, Jesus is real.

I also learned that being a Christian and praying and repenting doesn't mean that good things happen all the time. Because of this, I tried to embrace our infertility as a "blessing." And, for the most part, I did. I knew that it is what brought Jesse and me closer, it, ironically enough, saved our marriage. It helped me search for my faith and in turn, brought Jesse to Christ. These are amazing things. My thoughts went from believe? To BELIEVE!

I began to spend morning time alone with God asking him what I should do, how to get through all the pain. I asked him to make his intentions known to me and I swear I heard him say adopt! I felt like he was clobbering me with adopt! So, as much as I didn't want to, I began to obey. We looked into it, we researched it, we signed with an agency that we both felt was right for us. I thought that because I listened, He would provide.

Now, I know it hasn't been THAT long. Six months since we've been official, but I honestly thought that because God was telling me/us to adopt, it would just happen. You all have heard of the stories of the couples that turned in their paperwork and literally a month later, had a baby. I thought that would be us! I had the faith and the belief that God would provide.

As the months and years drag on, I'm doubting God's love for me. Does he love me? I'm not so sure? I feel like I am trying my best to follow him. I have given up some of MY issues. I don't even care if I get pregnant anymore. Would it be nice? Yes. Is it everything to me? No. Do I want to be a Mom to a baby? YES! That's all I want. I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot here. I've given up dreams that meant a lot to me. I don't think I could ever give up the dream of being a Mom.

Jesse asked me last night, if it never happens, would I be enough. I love him with all my heart, he is my best friend, my soulmate, my lover, my everything. I love my life with him, but how can he fill the hole in my heart that only being a mom can fill? I don't know...As I type this I know that only God can fill that hole, but how?

I know it's all about his timing...Geez, that's the name of my blog. It's just I'm beginning to doubt his love. I feel like I have changed and done a lot to work on my heart, my intentions and my issues and I feel like he doesn't care!

I'm beginning to question everything. Was God really telling me to adopt? Should we pursue embryo again? Should I just give up? And how do I give up my dreams of being a Mom? Is God telling me that I would be a horrible Mom? I have no idea. I'm very saddened. I believe with all my heart that he is there, he listens, he provides, he can do anything. But I really don't know if he loves me! Isn't that sad?

It's SO HARD

2011-05-08T10:53:00.002-04:00

This perfectly sums it all up! Thanks Megan for sharing!!

Wasn't So Bad...Thanks

2011-05-07T17:08:00.002-04:00

I just got back from the shower. Thank you for all the prayers. I was expecting to have a harder time due to the nature of tomorrow!

I think all your prayers worked. It was a great time being there for my friend.

One hard day done, one to go!! Can I just sleep through tomorrow??

Prayers PLEASE!!

2011-05-07T09:06:00.001-04:00

I'm not doing well right now and have to get ready for one of my best friend's baby showers. Please pray for peace today and tomorrow!

What Did I Do Now?!

2011-05-03T21:21:00.002-04:00

I can't say too much right now, but man...How do I get myself into these situations?? I'll tell more when I know what's going to happen for sure. You guys aren't going to believe this one! Oh, my!

If You Read My Post @ My Run...Check This Out

2011-05-03T17:01:00.000-04:00

Okay, this is too weird...Be careful, you might cry!
http://www.godvine.com/Christian-Athlete-Takes-a-Fall-But-Still-Wins-the-Race-378.html

I DID IT!! All 13.2 Miles of It!

2011-05-01T14:16:00.001-04:00

I have said for a long time that I wanted to run a marathon. The more I talked about it, the more I realized that might be a little too crazy. So, then I decided that I wanted to run a half marathon. I talked and talked about doing one. When we got to the point of just waiting for our adoption to progress, I decided that I needed to begin training and give my mind something challenging to concentrate on since thinking about our adoption 24 hours a day wasn't doing me any good.

Low and behold, when I told a friend back in January about my decision, she informed me there was a half marathon in Mt. Clemens (about a half hour from here) at the end of April. So for the next 3 and a half months, I trained as much as I could. It was sometimes a big pain in my butt, yet I knew when I accomplished this, I would be so proud of myself.

That was then.

Yesterday was the race. I did it! All 13.2 miles. Yes, a normal half marathon is 13.1, but this one, for whatever reason, was .2. I was pretty nervous, but really excited to actually be doing one of my lifelong goals.

The weather was sunny, a little chilly, but nice overall. The first 9 miles were pretty easy. When I got to mile 10, my running friend and I were both getting tired and sluggish. We kept encouraging each other. It was also around mile 10, when I started to get really emotional. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, this race symbolized a lot of our journey with infertility and adoption.

At mile 10, I wanted to stop. I was so close, but I just wanted to be done. As I was running, I kept thinking about where we are in our adoption journey. I kept on running. It made me think that I had traveled all this way and the end was in sight. Only a few more miles and I would be done. Although I don't know where we are in the grand scheme of things, and I obviously don't know where or how our baby journey will end. I have to believe the end is in sight. I have to believe if I keep running, I will get to that finish as well. All these thoughts are going through my head at this time.

I kept running. Despite the pain, despite the fact that I literally had a huge cramp in my rear, despite the fact I just wanted to be done! I kept running. I cried a little, but I kept on running.

At about mile 12, I really was hurting. Then this girl came out of nowhere in a red t-shirt that said on the back, "I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me."--Philippians 4:13. I saw that I instantly got a little recharge. I started praying that God would give me the strength to finish. I began to pick up my pace after that.

A short while later, I looked up and saw Jesse on the side of the road. Cheering me on. (He had done the relay with a friend and had already finished. He came to support us close to the finish.) I really began to tear up when I saw him. He shouted that we had a little way to go and that I could do it. I kept running.

Shortly before I saw Jesse, a song came on. A song that means a lot to me. A song that when I'm feeling down, helps me to see that looking up is the only way. "Up," by Shania Twain came on my ipod. I pushed through the pain and kept thinking UP is the only way to look. UP is the only way to depend and no matter how down I feel, UP is the answer. I dug deep, took a deep breath and finished that race running toward my baby.

I don't know how much longer I have on my infertility/adoption journey, but I do know I have come a long way and each step brings me closer. So despite the pain I feel, despite the length of time I have been "running" this race. Despite wanting to give up at times, I will keep on running and one day, I will finish the race.

Here's an old post I posted about the song.

Surprising My Brother

2011-04-30T19:59:00.000-04:00

I was very blessed to have been able to fly down to Florida last week and surprise my brother for his graduation. I was so scared my surprise wouldn't work and that he knew I was coming. When we got to the door, my dad said, "Hey Chris, come out here, you have some crap on the floor out here!"

I'm so unbelievably proud of him. He earned his Masters Degree in Entertainment Business from Full Sail University in Florida. I flew down there on Wednesday, he graduated on Good Friday and I flew back late Saturday night to be back for Easter with Jesse. It was a busy few days, but we had some fun! Here are more pictures from my short visit. I can't wait for him to come home for a visit soon!!

Endurance

2011-04-17T15:11:00.001-04:00

I've been struggling with this post for a little while now, so I hope that I'm able to do it justice and make my point. I was reading this book entitled, What is God Waiting For? Understanding Divine Delays in Your Life by Marlinda Ireland. So far (I'm only in chapter 3) I am liking the book. It has helped me to realize that God is hearing my prayers, but there are some things to consider. There are Divine delays and Deserved delays. The deserved delays have three categories: 1) LACK OF FAITH 2) foolish actions or 3) presumptuous thinking.

If you couldn't tell from my all capped out category...the one that I think is my fault is lack of faith. Not all the time, but some days throughout this journey, I find myself doubting A LOT! In the book it discussed living faith (we trust that God is both willing and able to answer our prayers) and saving faith (trust in the saving work of Jesus Christ). My lack of faith stems from the first one. I don't have the doubt that God is able to do these things, I have the doubt that he is willing.

Fast forward and the book talks more about endurance. This struck with me because right now I am dealing with endurance in two aspects of my life. One, is building my endurance to be able to finish the half marathon. I am working on gaining the mileage to help me to succeed and finish strong. The second, obviously, is my endurance in finishing this long race with infertility, and adoption.

Endurance is what we use to deal with the frustration and heartache of being in a delay. Endurance, according to the book, is an aggressive, courageous attitude that is needed during the hard times of the delays God gives us. It is also a mind set that rejects self-pity...Woooooaaaaahhhh! Hold the brakes, what?!? Yep, the book says that "endurance rules out discouragement no matter how hopeless the situation appears to be."

That struck with me. How often do I become discouraged or disheartened along this battle? LOTS! God is working in me, for some reason, to build my endurance for all this pain I have dealt with along the way. Who knows why? Maybe it will help me to be a more understanding Mom? Maybe it will prepare me for a job down the road? Maybe it will help me to be a better wife to my amazing husband? Whatever the reason God has chosen me to deal with this, He is telling me that I can get through it. I will get through it. Keep my faith, hold on tight, and keep running the race. Eventually my faith and endurance will get me to the finish in both races in my life. This post makes me think of the bible verse Timothy 4:7: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

How amazing that day will be when our little baby, wherever he or she may be, makes it home to his Mommy and Daddy. This verse will be my verse!! I'm holding on to my hope, keeping the faith, holding on to God for an amazing ride and putting my trust in Him. He does have the power, He is able and He will answer my prayers one day. But it's not on my time...It's on His. And until that day comes, I will be working on my endurance. Some days will be easy, others not so much. But I know I have a God that loves me. How truly blessed am I?

Sorry...This Might be TMI, but I Need Help!!

2011-04-15T21:37:00.001-04:00

At volleyball on Tuesday night, my friend who I am running the half marathon told me that she thought her "friend" might be visiting during the race. I did some calculations and I think I ovulated today....With that being said, I'm scheduled to have my "friend" come either Friday night or Saturday. Saturday as in RACE DAY!! What do I do?! Any suggestions??? UGh!

T-Minus 22 Days!

2011-04-08T10:34:00.000-04:00

Back in January I got this bright idea to train for a half marathon. I thought I need to challenge myself and give myself a goal to achieve while I'm in the midst of all this waiting. Low and behold, my friend was wanting to do a half marathon and I uneasily agreed. 4 months we had to train. I could do it!

Well, time is ticking and 4 months has quickly decreased to 3 weeks and 1 day! That's right people, in 22 days I will be running a half marathon!! HOLY SHMOLY!! What the heck did I sign up for?!

We have been busily training along...except for my little stomach issue earlier this week, but I'm better!! YAY!! I have kept with the training all this week and tomorrow will be our longest run in the whole training (until the day of the actual race)...12 miles!!

My goal for the race is just to finish. I would love to be under 2 hours, but this is my first (I don't know if there'll be more?!) race and I just want to finish. I think it will be very emotional for me when I finish the race. Lots of symbolism. Lots of similarities with our journey.

I'll keep you updated!

Frozen Heart

2011-04-03T12:17:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling a little ehhh lately, and I have been really looking forward to the new series they have been talking about at church. The series is called Thaw. This week it talked about Thawing your heart towards God. Next week is thawing your heart toward people and lastly thawing your heart toward the world.

This week has made me think, is my heart hardened? Do I have a frozen heart? I'm still not sure after I went to church, but I'm hoping by getting my feelings out, it will help me a little. On Monday, I had a break down as you read in my last post. Then on Wednesday, at small group, my friends asked how I was doing and I started to cry. I don't think there's anything wrong with every now and then crying. What we've been through and continue to go through is NOT easy. I would NOT wish this on anyone. It sucks! It hurts and I don't understand it.

On the way home, Jesse and I got into a huge fight because he told me he doesn't like it when I'm upset and wishes I could change my outlook to a more positive outlook. I understand that at the time, my outlook sucked, to put it bluntly. But I don't wallow in that all the time. It happens here or there. I'm not stuck in the hold like I was before. I will fall, I will stumble, I will hurt, and I think given all we are going through it's okay. I think that I pick myself up a lot quicker than I ever did before. I am able to see a silver lining in what we're going through. But I still have emotions and I still wish it were all over.

So back to church...The pastor asked, "where is your heart?" Here are some symptoms of a frozen, hardened heart: not praying, doubts, disobedient to God, Not listening or having trouble hearing God, grouchy, and short tempered. Well, I hate to say it, but I have a lot of the "symptoms." I do have my doubts at time. I wonder if what we're doing is really what God has instructed us to do. I, naively, thought I heard God telling us to adopt and I so immaturely thought once we get on the path God intends for us, poof! our dreams will come true. That didn't happen. It causes me to think, can I really hear God, does he really talk to me? How can I be sure it's him? So, it's not that I'm not listening to him, I'm not sure what in the world he's telling me?! I thought adoption was what he wanted for us.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know that our "adoption" journey has not been all that long. We were official in November, and I know that the average adoption takes 18-24 months, I get all that. I just thought once we followed where God was guiding, things would move along a little quicker. Maybe I'm just really immature in my faith? I don't know?

Then the last two symptoms: grouchy and short tempered. Yep. Check and check! Mostly with my dear old hubby too. I do have a lot on my plate right now. Education isn't looking like it has the promising future I always believed I had with my job. It's quite honestly terrifying. I'm not sure what the future of my job will be and that scares the heck out of me. I'm questioning whether or not we are doing what God wants us to do. And I think all of that makes me act grouchy and short tempered.

The steps they recommended for making sure we have a thawed heart is to:

1. Stay in God's word-- I try, for the most part, to start everyday in God's word. I don't do this because I have to do it, I do it because I want to start my day off on the right foot, so to say, and get my head right for the day.

2. Stay close to a friend-- I have a few friends that I can be truly and honestly me to and I know that they won't judge me, but will pray for me and support me. These are my accountability friends. They keep me accountable to follow God's guidance and help me sort through my feelings.

3. Stay away from sin-- I would love to say that I avoid this at every cost, but I'm human. As I said before, I stumble, I fall. But I am able to notice where I am going wrong and repent for that. It might sometimes take me awhile, but I think I'm getting better with it.

Lastly Stay alert and be on mission. I think this is where I'm struggling. What is my mission? What is it God made me to do? I'm really having a hard time with that. I always thought it was to be the teacher I always dreamed of being, but with all the uncertainty of my job's future, I'm questioning that too.

I guess I'm just confused right now. I wouldn't say I'm hardened...I'm just really unsure of what I'm supposed to do. As I type these words I feel a little mid-life crisissy here, but I'm serious. I just want to do God's will in my life and right now, I'm not so sure what that means for me. It's a little scary, but I will continue to pray, read the bible, stay close to friends, while trying my hardest to avoid sin and trust that he will direct me to what he wants my life to become. That's about all I can do at this point.

Isn't This Supposed to Get Easier?!

2011-03-28T19:32:00.000-04:00

So Sunday is another baby shower for a friend. I have been doing amazingly well lately with all that kind of stuff. That is until I walked into Buy Buy Baby! That place even smells like a baby! I was reeling!

I walked around aimlessly and had many people question if I needed help. I politely turned them all down and ventured to figure it out on my own. I slowly walked through the bedding and wondered if I would ever be the one picking that stuff out. It was a little too painful to look at the themes. I felt as if the giraffes and tigers were all laughing at me.

Then I slowly made it over to the bath stuff. That's where I made myself find the things. Bath stuff is a little safer than the bottles or onesies or blankets or frames or car seats of diaper bags. I was determined to finish my list there. Even there I looked around pathetically wishing that it could be me.

April hold significant emotion for me. It was in April of 2004 that I threw out the birth control and so naively thought I'd be knocked up by the following school year. Here I sit 7 years later in the same boat I was then.

I know that I have lot going for me and things are on the up, but it just sucks! I mean how long do we have to suffer? Sorry to be a downer, just needed to vent. Thanks for listening!

Fingers Crossed!

2011-03-25T06:34:00.000-04:00

We have been seeing our nutrition doctor since September. Jesse went in November to give a sample to see if what we had been doing was working. To my amazement, his count went up. However, the morphology was not good. He told Jesse to continue with the supplements he was on and then gave him testosterone to improve the morphology. That was December.

Jesse goes today to leave another sample to see if what we've been doing will improve the results. I'm so nervous. I was such a brat to him yesterday and then I realized why and called him to apologize.

I don't know why I'm nervous. We're already in the adoption process. However, to my knowledge, we aren't on the radar for a baby anytime soon. I want the results to improve. I want for something to finally happen.

I'm not scared because I know it's all in God's hands, but I just have it going on in the back of my mind. Please pray for me today to find the peace and also pray for our journey to be fulfilled in God's will. With those prayers, I know that things will go according to His plan and not mine!

Infertility-My Idol?

2011-03-13T19:40:00.000-04:00

**Personal Post**

I had a very A-ha moment today at church. I have been struggling a little bit lately with where I am spiritually. Our church is involved with a HUGE initiative in the Detroit area called EACH (Everyone A Chance to Hear). This initiative has a first series called The (Second) Greatest Story. Small groups have curriculum that they are to follow every week that goes along with this. At the end of the series, all 450 churches in the area that have signed on to do this will put their faith into action and will be doing community-wide projects and being God's hands and feet. I'm really excited to see how this all transpires.

Until Wednesday (small group). We were talking about our stories. You know our individual stories of our relationship with God. We learned that in order to tell our story to others, we need to incorporate 3 important parts of our story: What you were before Christ; How you met Christ; Now what? How has your life changed due to finding Christ.

I can answer question 1. I never had a life "before Christ" because I was raised going to church. I went to church all my life and always had a belief in God. However, as I grew up, I had questions about my faith and struggled with finding my religion and my beliefs. I, however, discovered in this quest that although I believed in God, I didn't have a relationship with him. I had God in a box. God was there when I went to church or when I was struggling or my prayers before bed, but other than that, I had no relationship with him. I lived life on my agenda and took credit for everything in my life.

Question 2 was a breeze too. I had worked hard for everything I achieved in life, so therefore, I never really had any reason to question how it all worked out. I believed it was due to this hard work. Now, I am fully aware it was because of God. However, it took me going through some extremely rough and dark times. Jesse's old job was a source of major discontent in our marriage. I hated his partners, I hated the hours, I hated that I NEVER saw him. Infertility came into our lives during this time. It was during this time also that I began to question my faith.

As much as I hate infertility and wish the world could be disposed of this horrible disease. Infertility is a blessing to me in a few ways. Infertility allowed me to really doubt God. I know, I know, that sounds really weird, but stick with me. I hope I can get to the point. Doubting God allowed me to find my God. If God were to have granted me with my wish, I would've gone about my life "knowing" that I worked hard for that. Infertility is something no matter how hard you try, you have no control! That's where God started working in me and around me in ways that slowly became obvious. (Funny speaks a little of my journey.) So long story short, coming to our new church was the connection I needed to rekindle my relationship, or even just start a relationship. I began going to small group, reading the bible and accepting God into my life on a daily basis.

Question 3, what is your life like now? I couldn't answer. I struggled with...

Flash forward to today at church. Today our pastor was talking about Christ being the light. Everyone needs light, everyone clings to light, everyone follows the light. He then spoke of us being the light. God has strategically placed us where we live, work, play, etc. to be the light, to share God's love. He said we have two jobs: LOVE GOD, LOVE PEOPLE. We also have a job to keep our "love" of God as passionate as our love of our spouse. (Hold up...Huh?) I struggled with this. I don't feel I have a passionate love with God even though I spend time with him daily, want to do his will, accept him...what am I doing wrong?

He then went on and that's when MY light went on. He spoke about sin. He spoke about repenting (Matthew 5:16). He said repenting means knowing you are doing wrong, completely turning away and run from it. Then he said this what are you basing your whole life on?

That's when it hit me. Infertility, Adoption, a baby, they are all my idol! I have been obsessing with all of these for the past 6 years. Although I love God, trust God, and want to do God's will, I have not given up all my idols. I need to have a love for God first and foremost. It doesn't mean I can't want a baby or desire a baby, but having a baby CANNOT be my obsession. I need to repent my desire and turn towards God. A baby will not fill the hole or what is missing from my life, only God can.

I don't know what or where to go from here, but I feel like I'm finally on the right path...

It's Getting Easier!!

2011-03-12T17:18:00.002-05:00

I don't think I've told you guys this, but in 6 weeks, I'm running a half marathon!! Yikes! I have been thinking about doing one since the first of the year. I wanted to give myself a challenge and something to focus on so I wouldn't stress about the adoption. Low and behold one of my friends told me she's running a half marathon in April.

With her nudging and support, I decided I would do it! Today I ran 6 miles. That is the first time I've ever run that far. The last half mile was pretty rough, but I did it! I only stopped twice for a water break. I think once would have been the smarter choice because I started to get some bad cramps towards the end.

I doubted myself last week when I had to do 5. It's too hard, I can't do it, my knees hurt. Those things are true, if I let them be true. I'm going to sign up for this thing. (Registration has to be done by the 15th!) And I'm going to do it! I don't know when I'll finish, but I'm going to try. I'm pretty proud of myself considering I wasn't always a "runner."

Email

2011-03-10T09:56:00.001-05:00

Don't forget to leave me an email address. You can comment me or email me mmproper@yahoo.com

Private...

2011-03-10T09:38:00.001-05:00

I posted a private post about somethings that have been going on. If you're interested in reading, just send me an email. Just thought I'd let you know!

Come ON!

2011-03-08T07:04:00.000-05:00

For those of you who live in the Midwest, we have had one heck of a winter that still continues to pound at us. My theory on winter and the cold is if it's going to be cold, might as well have the pretty snow. But let me tell you, I'm really getting sick of the snow!!

But there's good news...We live on a pond and the ducks are back. Eight of them this year and I have and heard more birds flying through the air. I even watched one bird make a nest in our evergreen in the backyard.

Although the ground is still covered with snow and ice, there are small signs of spring!! Come on spring, you can do it!!

Soapbox

2011-03-05T15:57:00.000-05:00

I'm on my soapbox right now...I'm just sayin...

I have watched One Tree Hill for most of my marriage. I don't think I watched officially when it started, but after I lost my "Friends," and 90210 cast mates, I searched and searched for a new sitcom and drama show. Low and behold, I found One Tree Hill. A great 90210 replacement at the time.

This show has always made me laugh with it's unrealistic, or hard to imagine (should I say?) story lines. For those of you who don't watch, let me give you a low down of some of the things that have happened to the characters on the show:
*A couple married and pregnant in high school AND living on their own
*One character shoots and kills his brother
*One character has parents that never are home and basically lives on her own
*Car goes off a bridge into the river
*One character almost dies giving birth
*Crazy babysitter steals boy at wedding
*Dad is drugged by above crazy babysitter
*One character makes it to the NBA
*An crazy girl comes in and shoots a couple in their home
*Drugs
*Jail
Although I know a lot of these story lines CAN really happen, the way they portray them and ALL of them happening in this small little town are just a little far-fetched.

Throughout all the drama, I continue to watch week after week and even sucked my husband into watching this show with me. I LOVE the show. Craziness and all.

A few weeks ago though, something struck a cord with me. One of the characters has been told that she will never be able to have a child. She recently got married on the show and on the Valentine's Day episode, her new husband told her that he wanted to adopt so they could have a baby. I loved this! Finally a situation I could relate to. I imagined in that moment being able to relate to the craziness of the home study, the waiting, and all the trials that will happen as they go through the process.

That was entirely short-lived. The VERY next week, they received a call that they were chosen as a prospective couple for an infant adoption. I turned the tv off. I was so upset that they would make the adoption process look so insanely quick and easy! One week they say they want to adopt, the next they are meeting with a pregnant mom to be. I had a hard time with this one. I had hoped that they would at least try to make this situation a little more relatable and realistic.

I did watch the episode and it was okay, but I was just disappointed. I have said for awhile that I wish there was a show that would help adoptive couples see the process and show those not going through it the struggles, the ups and the downs, and all the moments in between that an adoptive couple goes through along the journey.

I know that it is a show. I know that it has a LONG history of some far off story lines, but I was so hopeful that this story line would be a little more realistic. I will continue to watch the show. I just wanted a minute to express my, I don't know, irritation with how Hollywood makes adoption look so easy and quick!

Fun with Sarah and a VERY Personal Post

2011-02-24T16:15:00.001-05:00

So, my "little" cousin Sarah is getting married. Well, she's not really little, she's actually taller than me and is 24 going on 25. Gosh that makes me feel old! But amazingly, she asked me her older cousin to stand up! I was so touched!

Yesterday we went to find the bridesmaid dresses together and had quite some fun. I think she has made up her mind, now we just have to pick. You see she has chosen 2 dresses and each bridesmaid gets to chose. She's hoping 4 chose one and 3 chose the other. Here are the two dresses. They will both be in the dark chocolate color of the first one.

I like them both, but the second one is sooo nice! I am hoping I get to chose that one. I told her that if she is stuck I will do whichever because they both are beautiful, but I am soooo hoping I get to have the second one! :0)
_________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, for the second part of my post, I want to put a little disclaimer. I apologize if this is too graphic for some of you. I seriously struggled with should I post this or not. But after much thinking, I think many infertile women can relate to it, and isn't that the point of blogging. Relating to others. So again, take caution, as the rest of this might get a little too graphic, but I will try my best to keep it to the point...

So, here I go. The other day Jesse was feeling a little frisky. We began to "have fun" when he realized it wasn't ovulation time or an important baby making time. Usually sex for us is a come on, it's time. We do our usual thing and then I lay there for a bit. However, since it wasn't an important baby making, critical time sexcapade, he asked if we could have a little foreplay.

I agreed, but only because of him. While we were going through the motions, something that typically doesn't happen to me happened. I actually "enjoyed" myself. And soon after started bawling. He wasn't so sure as to what to do with me since I was literally holding onto him and sobbing. He asked what was wrong and when I was finally able to put words to my emotions, I burst out crying even harder saying, "I forgot that sex is supposed to be fun?!"

Throughout the last 6 years, sex has been a job. It's been something we had to do to try to make a baby, it was something we had to do to feel close to each other. It hasn't been something we do for pleasure. (At least not from my point of view.) It was very shocking to me that I had this reaction, but I began to think. For so long, sex hasn't been fun. When I have sex, I dread what I know is to come...no pregnancy, no excitement, and of course, no baby. I think over the past 6 years, I have begun to dislike sex. I mean, if you don't have sex, then the chances of disappointment can't happen, because you didn't do anything to even stir up the chance of a miracle.

I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy. I mean, we have decided on adoption and we're in the process and I'm excited about it. But, I still hold out this hope and count my days and track my ovulation, because, maybe. Just maybe a miracle might occur.

I tried to keep this post as clean as I could and vague as I could as to not offend anyone. Please know that these are my feelings and I hope that by posting this, some other women will see that their feelings are normal. Well, at least I hope I'm "normal!" Thanks for listening!

So Be It...

2011-02-21T10:41:00.000-05:00

So I feel much better. I am not going to post anything (although if anyone does know how to do a private post, please let me know!). I prayed about it, prayed for the people and prayed for myself to not let people get to me.

I've learned throughout all of this infertility, adoption and heartache along the way that some people just don't have what it takes and so be it. Some people are so wrapped up in their own lives, they don't take two seconds to think about others, so be it. Some people don't even realize the words they say are hurtful and rude. I can't say so be it to that. That's where my faith in God comes in. I pray that those people will learn how to tame their tongues and realize that the words they say do matter to the people hearing them. I pray that God works His way into their lives to give them a chance to see the good in life.

However, if they do come into contact with God and still chose not to accept it, so be it. I can only live my life and do my part through prayer. The rest is ultimately up to God and they have the choice to accept Him or live their life the way they know.

I'm so glad I chose to live my life accepting God. I obviously have my times when I stumble, take some steps backward or fall flat on my face. But that's life. We are all broken. It's what you do in those moments that allow you pick up the pieces and move forward. In the past, when I was feeling like I was yesterday morning, I would sit and stew all day in my nasty feelings. I would feel validated for feeling the way I do. However, as I entered church yesterday morning, I began praying for these feelings to be released. I spoke to a friend and asked for her support. I prayed with another friend for MY bitterness and anger to be lifted up.

I NEVER would've done that in the past. After all, the reason I was feeling that way was because ________ MADE me feel that way. I'm so glad that I made the choice to change my outlook. I'm not saying all the feelings are gone. I have to work at it, but I also have realized that Jesse and I are on the right path, we are doing all we can and whatever issue ________ has, it's on them. They have the choice. I would LOVE for them to come into a relationship with God and see what a change it can make in their lives, but ultimately, it's not my choice. I will continue to pray for them and myself, but it's in God's hands. They have the choice, what they decide to do with it is up to them...so be it!

How RUDE!

2011-02-20T08:25:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh! Some people NEVER cease to amaze me! That's all I can say about this right now. I'm going to try to post a private message later. Does anyone know if that's possible? But seriously, I need some time to calm down. Some people are so classless, selfish, self-centered and obnoxious!

Take It...Just Take It!

2011-02-09T20:35:00.000-05:00

First of all I want to start by saying that I love each of you so much! Thank you for all your loving, supportive and encouraging comments! They helped so much. I honestly don't know how anyone could walk this journey without the support you have all shown me. I'm just blessed to have each one of you in my life. It's amazing to me that women who have never met face to face, who live from one coast to the other, have such a strong bond that is unbreakable. It's nice to know that when I fall, there are many of you there to lift me up. Thanks, from the bottom of my heart, thanks!

I'm doing better! I have talked with Jess about my feelings and I have had my real-life friends tell me that I should never have to go through this alone. It felt good to get it off my chest. I feel relieved and lighter. We haven't been to our counselor yet, we go next week. We'd been doing so well, we changed our appointments to every 3 weeks. So I know I'll be doing even better after talking with him.

I wanted to write from the heart on this post, so I apologize if this becomes a little raw. This is my prayer to God:

Father God, you are an amazing God and have blessed my life in so many ways. I could not even begin to list all the blessings and good things in my life. You are such a merciful and loving God and I know that you have an ulitmate plan for us. Please be there when I fall and remind me of your grace and love. I surrender to you and want nothing more than to be filled with your love and your spirit. I give you my bitterness and hurt over all the years of infertility and the pains of trying to start a family. They are yours, take it, take all of it. Please take my feelings of fear of the unknown. With you I know all things are possible. With you I know there is no reason for fear. I know that bitterness leads only to sorrow. Please take these feelings I have had and help me to look at the good in my life. I know that this journey is all in your hands and all in your timing. I give you my time tables, I give you my desires. I pray that you allow me to follow your plan and allow doors to open for us to help achieve your plan. I pray for that baby you have made for us. I pray that they grow healthy and know that they are loved more than is imaginable. Please be with me during this time. I love you and I trust you. All this I pray in your name. Amen!

Not Doing Well!

2011-02-02T10:06:00.000-05:00

Hi guys! I need your help. I am not doing well at all. For about the last 3 weeks or so, I have noticed I don't have any patience with anyone: Jesse, students, friends. Everyone is getting on my nerves! I have been praying, but I feel like I am in a hole.

I had a breakdown last night while watching one of my favorite shows, One Tree Hill. When I saw the pregnant Hailey, I started sobbing uncontrollably. I kept pleading, "when? when? when?" I am so sad right now. I feel like there's nothing I can do. I feel like a twig ready to snap.

I know in my heart, God has a plan. I trust in Him so very much. I know he provides all things, including miracles. While reading the bible today, it said that if you have prayers that aren't answered, maybe you are not obeying God.

I don't know what else to do here. I have considered changing some things on our adoption profile. But Jesse and I aren't sure.

I am so sad right now. I feel helpless. I feel like it will never happen. I feel very low!

Ugh! Just STOP TALKING!!

2011-01-30T21:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, I have to vent a little here...I have a tough job. I spend my days teaching 24 seven and eight year olds. Yes, it is a stressful job, but at the end of the day, I LOVE MY JOB! Honestly, I want to be a stay at home mom when our blessings come, but I don't know if I could ever do it?!

Saying that, I am sooooo sick of these stay at home moms who post all throughout the day how stressful their job is, how they need a vacation, how they would just like a break! UGH! Just STOP TALKING!! Did you not know going into motherhood that it would be a stressful job? At the same time, as much as I am sure it is stressful, shut up! Seriously, shut up! I understand everyone has a bad day and needs to vent, but seriously there are some moms that I know who every freakin post they put on good ol fb has something to do with needing a vacation or wanting to enjoy a lunch without a kid in their lap. UGH!

It annoys me so much. How about instead of complaining about being able to do the most amazing job in the world, look at it as the blessing it truly is! I would give anything to sit at the table with my baby in my lap and savor the moment.

These same women who are complaining all the time are popping out children as if they were a gumball machine. Here's an idea, STOP!

I'm sorry if I offend anyone through this post, I know that there are some stressful days as being a stay at home mom. I am talking about people in my life that literally every post I read has some type of negative tone as to being a mom. I read them and I just want to jump through the computer and yell at them! Do they know how horrible they sound?

This post has been brewing for awhile, so I apologize if it comes off crabby. This just irritates the daylights out of me. Look at what you have as a blessing, not as a "job" or a negative thing because there are people out there that would do that "job" for no pay and savor EVERY moment! I'm just saying....

Good New? Bad News? I Can't Decide...

2011-01-22T17:26:00.000-05:00

Last weekend we were out with my parents and my mom asked me if we were notified when someone viewed our profile book or website. I didn't know the answer and tried to put it out of my mind, but by Thursday I couldn't take it any longer. I had to know! So I emailed Dawn our adoption worker. She called and left a message that she was actually going to give Jesse and I a call for our quarterly update.

I got a hold of her on Friday and she told me that on Nov. 2nd our profile website was viewed. Dec. 19 and 21 it was shown again. The 29th our profile book was shown and just recently they shipped our book to the Holland office. She told me that the Holland birthmother chose a different family. I asked her about the first 4 and she wasn't sure what was decided with those Moms.

I am excited that it's only been 2 months and our profile has been viewed 5 times, but at the same time, our profile has been seen 5 times and here we still wait. I know deep down this is good news and ultimately God has a plan, but it's hard to hear also. I immediately thought, what's wrong with us? Why don't they like us?

When I got home last night, I looked at our book. I looked at our website. There isn't anything I would want to change. It gives a good look at us and our life together. I know in my heart all that has happened is good. But I do have a sense of sadness. I'm sure it's normal. I hope it's normal.

I know somewhere there is a baby made for Jesse and me. The waiting is the hardest part. I know our time will come. It just seems so unfair. I know life's not fair, but after this long of a journey, you begin to wonder is it ever going to end? Will it ever happen? The answer is yes and yes, but the waiting STINKS! UGh!

She also told me that so far this year they have already placed 11-13 children. Pretty impressive if you ask me!!

So, you tell me, good news or bad news?

WOW! An Award!!

2011-01-21T21:05:00.002-05:00

Thanks Jess and Ashley for the award! I love awards!!!

Here are the rules for the acceptance of the award:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Here are the 7 things you may not know about me...

1. I sent in a video to be on the Real World when I was 21. I obviously never was selected, but I sent it! Talk about reality junkie!

2. I met Oprah last April after I won a huge Gardner White contest! I will have to post the picture!

3. When I am stressed out, angry or irritated, my first instinct is to clean. It's very therapeutic! Jesse knows when I have a mop in my hands to take cover. He's also really good at teacher's stressful times: conferences, report cards, Open House, etc. He will make sure the kitchen is spotless so it doesn't bug me!

4. Jesse is only the 2nd person I dated seriously. I had a high school boyfriend that I dated for 1 year and a half and Jesse. I went out with other guys, but no one that I said the "l" word to!

5. I cannot go to bed without a clean face or clean teeth. I don't care how tired I am, the face MUST be clean and I can't even imagine how people can go to bed without brushing their teeth...GROSS!

6. My dream is to one day write a children's book and get it published. This is also something that scares the living daylights out of me. I really need to stop talking about it and actually DO IT!

7. My weakness is a bag of potato chips! I have to keep them out of the house because if they are anywhere near me, I will eat them! Yum! Just talking about them makes me want some!!

I am passing the award on to:
Ashlee G at Savor the Moment
Plans Change
Kel at From You and Me to Family of Three!
Tammy at Tammy's Journey
Megan at Infertile Myrtle
Hillary at Making Me Mom
Jacalyn at Faith*Hope*Love*Happiness
Amber at Life in the Last Frontier
Rebecca at The Road Less Traveled
Lex at Beauty for Ashes
Kim at From TTC to Mommy
Jenny at The Borg's Blog
Rebekah at Heart Cries
Em at Snowflakes are One of a Kind
Browniris at The (In)fertility Diaries

Sabotage!

2011-01-20T20:28:00.000-05:00

Just curious if this happens to others...I totally sabotage our sex life anytime I may think the big ovulation is approaching! I watched myself do this last night. Jesse wanted to do the deed and I was just trying to piss him off. Saying just dumb things and that's when it hit me. I do this every month!

Every month around this time, I pick STUPID fights, arguments, whatever...Whatever needs to be done so we don't have sex. I know it sounds crazy, but it's honestly true. I have noticed myself doing it, not every month, but a lot!

I think that if we don't have sex during "prime-time" then there's really no reason for me to a) get my hopes up that some miracle might happen or b) wish that it could happen. If we don't do it, then I can't be disappointed. It makes all logical sense. But at the same time I feel completely crazy.

Maybe this is something that should be brought up at our next counseling session. Just thought I'd share a little bit of my crazy with you all!!

Is Anyone Else Having Difficulty?!

2011-01-17T10:23:00.000-05:00

Hey guys! Just curious if anyone else is having trouble with their blog. For the past 2 days my page is taking FOREVER to load. I thought it might be my connection and reset some things, but it's still taking forever. Just curious if you guys are having any problems or if it's just me...

GOT IT! & Adoption Question

2011-01-15T20:26:00.000-05:00

Yippee!! I found the darn binder! I must have brought it in to school and put it on the floor. It was under my table! What a relief! My friend looked up how much the darn kit was...$365. THANK GOODNESS I FOUND IT!! Phew! What a relief!

I finally took the Christmas tree down and the house is finally all back to normal. I love Christmas, but I do love getting my house back to normal.

Jesse is on his way home from work, we're going to have game night tonight. We were going to go to a comedy show, but we decided since it's supposed to snow again tonight, it'll just be the two of us at home. We might go to the show or something tomorrow since I don't have to work on Monday.

I have a question for all my adoption friends... Is there any adoption sites, blogs or forums that you belong to that you recommend? Let me know.

Thanks to all of you for your help with the gluten. I think this might do it. We do so much already, it would just be a little more. A friend is letting me borrow a book. I'll keep you updated!

DOH!

2011-01-11T21:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, to many of you this will seem TOTALLY petty. But I need some help. I went to tutor on Thursday and I brought my two bags and my huge reading testing binder. When I was leaving, I contemplated going to the bathroom or just holding it. Of course I couldn't hold it. So, I put my binder on the table at the library, my 2 book bags next to them, did my business and left.

Fast forward to today. With report cards coming up, I needed to retest some of my kids to see what level they are reading at. Couldn't find my binder, so I borrowed it from a teaching partner. I had just left it in my car. So, I get home and go to get the binder out and low and behold it's NOT THERE!!

I'm totally freaking out. This binder is like the holy grail in teaching and I don't know how much trouble I will be in if I lost it. The more I thought about it, the more I don't know if I ever picked it up after my bathroom visit. I also know that Friday we had treats and I had my hands full of bags and don't remember bringing the binder in.

I called the library to see if it was there and of course she had no idea and said that where I said I put it, was where the FREE book section is. So, what I'm asking, as petty as it is, is to please say a small prayer that I find this darn binder. I am so nervous to tell my new principal that I lost the damn thing! UGH!!!

To Gluten or Not to Gluten, That is the Question!

2011-01-06T20:37:00.000-05:00

So I have been hearing a lot about people going gluten-free and feeling great. I never thought I needed to be that person. I love my breads, although I don't eat a lot of them, but can't imagine a life without them. I thought those people were crazy. Why would anyone WANT to live that way?!

I talked with a coworker and she and her husband live a more natural lifestyle, like Jesse and I do. No plastic anything, try not to nook food, stay away from crap food...I thought we were the only weird ones. She then asked me if we were gluten-free. She claimed it made her feel so much better and she is able to do so much more without gluten in her diet. She told me to research gluten and infertility. So, I did. I found some interesting articles. Then I googled gluten and male infertility. The findings were a little shocking. Many sites claim that gluten will mess with a man's sperm.

I brought it up to Jess and he said, basically, no way. He said we are very close to a gluten free lifestyle. All the pasta and rice we buy is gluten free. And we don't eat that much. I'm just confused as to what exactly has gluten in it. It seems it's in weird stuff that I never would've imagined.

So, my question to you all is are you gluten-free? If you are, is it hard? How do you know what has gluten in it? What are some hidden ways of saying gluten?

I'm not sure I want to get into this, but it's sounding more and more intriguing. I'm just curious...

Oh My Heaven, It's 2011?!

2011-01-01T12:18:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that it is 2011! It just floors me! Where did 2010 go? Not that I miss it, but it just seems to have flown by in a blur! I'm not saying 2010 wasn't a good year, a lot of good things happened to us this year! We got approved for our adoption, we opened another pizzeria, my mean boss was replaced by a new amazing wonderful boss, everyone is healthy, we are seeing a new nutritionist. I could go on and on, but the thing that stinks is although 2010 has brought us closer to our dream of becoming parents, it still hasn't happened!

I would love to say that 2011 will be our year (I am hoping beyond hope it is) but the problem is you never know. I keep waking up every day saying to myself, this could be the day that changes our lives forever. This could be the day we receive the call that will forever be in our hearts! I have to keep thinking like that. The way I have been thinking has not been healthy or good for me. I have done so well with thinking positively, I fell into some sort of black hole. But I'm not in it anymore.

I pray for all of you that don't have your little one yet, that God's plan becomes apparent to you and that this year brings you the joy of becoming a Mom. I pray for all my friends that 2011 bring health, happiness and continued joy! I pray that people know that God has an ultimate plan for them and put their trust in Him. I know I don't have my "prize" yet, but I know I am a prize in the eyes of God. I also know that through all the pain infertility, the unknown and the adoption process brings to me, God is looking down on me and saying, "Just wait Michelle. I have good things in store for you! Just believe and I will provide!" I hear you God, I trust you and know you have an amazing plan. I can't wait to see all that you have in store for me!! Please help me to focus on that and not all the garbage!

Happy 2011! My love to you all!!

Merry Christmas or Bah Humbug?!

2010-12-27T12:36:00.000-05:00

So this holiday season started off pretty good. It was the first Christmas season in a LONG time that I was actually in the Christmas spirit. I was listening to Christmas music, excited for my family to come over on Christmas Eve, I even talked Jesse into putting up out tree this year. (He hasn't put it up the last few years because we "don't have a reason" for it. It's his way of dealing with our infertility...)

So, I was off to a good start, but then those feelings came bubbling out. I tried to suppress them, but by Christmas Eve night, I couldn't help it. I sobbed in Jesse's arms. Every year friends and family tell us this is it, this is the last year you'll be childless and ever Christmas is the same. I watch others with their children or worse yet, the dreaded Christmas announcements of babies to come in the next year.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not happy for these people. It's just that I am sad that I won't ever get to have a Christmas announcement. It's hard. It's really hard. Christmas is supposed to be happy time, but every Christmas I feel the loss of what I don't have. I honestly thought I was off to a better start, but here I am with these nasty feelings.

I think the hardest part was Jesse got sick at his parent's house on Christmas day, so we came home early and didn't go to my grandma's house. He went directly to bed and I played wii by myself. Some Christmas...

I just wish and pray that this FINALLY the last Christmas without our baby. But the sad part is, who knows?!

Wow! That Was Rough!

2010-12-20T22:56:00.000-05:00

Does anyone watch Giuliana and Bill? I stopped watching awhile back because their journey hit so close to home, I couldn't deal with it. Over the weekend, at our family Christmas, a cousin was talking about the show. Tonight was the season finale, so I taped a few past episodes and watched tonight.

My eyes hurt I have cried so hard. Watching Giuliana and Bill go through all the drama they experienced on this last cycle was just like watching Jesse and I on the TV. Yes, I know, Jesse and I never experienced a retrieval or a transfer, but all the emotional things she talked about was as if she was taking the words out of my mouth.

The thing that got me was the final scene when they get the call from their doctor and it was more bad news. They were so hopeful, they had thought they did everything right, they were so SURE! That's the part that was me. How many times was I there? I knew that this would be the month. This would be the cycle. My heart just breaks.

The hardest part is there are so many couples going through that on a daily basis. Why? Why does it have to be that way? Why can people who aren't trying or don't want babies able to conceive and people who would do ANYTHING can't? Why?

I know life's not about fairness, but infertility is just so damn UNFAIR! I'm sorry to be so down in this post, but I sometimes just wallow in this pain. Infertility stinks!

I LOVE MY HUSBAND!

2010-12-13T12:14:00.000-05:00

So way back in November of 1999, Jesse came back to work at the restaurant we worked in throughout high school. I had ALWAYS had a HUGE crush on the kid, but I could never ask a guy out in high school.

Well...One night I went in to work to pick up my check or something and Jesse was working. I left a note on his car asking him to do something sometime and the rest, my friends, was history. We started dating shortly after and well, you know how that story ends.

Today I was cleaning up the basement during my snow day and I found a box of old notes and cards and pictures. I even found THE NOTE! Here it is. Now I'm racking my brain trying to think of something cool to do with the note for Christmas. I honestly have the best husband. I love him so much!

My Little Thief and Winter Fun!

2010-12-13T10:04:00.000-05:00

So a few weeks back, I was sitting in my reading chair enjoying the book, The Help, (my review in a previous post!) and eating some yummy green beans. This is what it looked like when I got up to answer the phone.

When I got back from answering the phone, this is what I found...

My little Peanut enjoying one of my green beans. I swear, there is NOTHING that little thief won't eat!

Yesterday we had a blizzard of snow. Our first snow of the 2010-2011 Winter kicked Southeast Detroit's rear end. Here are some pics of the snow around here. The snow was beautiful, but it was so heavy, branches were falling and many houses lost power. We were very fortunate.

The best part is...SNOW DAY TODAY!!! YAY!!!!

WOW! FREE BLOG DESIGN GIVE AWAY!!

2010-12-11T12:23:00.000-05:00

Hey all! Go check out April Showers blog. She is giving away a free blog design for Blogger or Wordpress. All you have to do is post something about her blog. She has excellent tutorials that I have used to help with my blog. You should go check it out. Good luck, but I really hope I win!!! :0)

Two Thumbs UP

2010-12-11T12:10:00.000-05:00

So I just finished reading two of the best books EVER! The first one was sooo good! It's The Crowning Glory of Calla Lily Ponder. The book made me ugly cry, but it was so good. It addressed all my fears in life. Infertility, death of a parent, death of a spouse, past loves...I learned that this book was not one that you take with you to places, because it seriously made me cry and because of all MY fears the book addressed, I cried the ugly time while reading this. It was such a good book though! I totally recommend it!

Then the second book I read was one that I was hearing a LOT about, The Help. I was a little surprised by the length of the book, but wow! What an excellent book. I am fascinated by history especially issues dealing with segregation and racial issues. This book takes the prospective of Miss Skeeter, a white woman living in Mississippi in the 60s who just doesn't quite fit in with the other ladies in the league. Minny, an outspoken black maid and Abileen, an older black maid who you just can't help falling in love with. These women go through quite the journey in this book. It was such a well written, wonderful book. I just learned they are making into a movie. I'm so glad I read the book because I know there is NO WAY the movie will live up to how well the book was written.

So there, those are my two thumbs up book recommendations. Go read them! You won't be disappointed!

Now that I'm done, anyone have anything they recommend?!

Okay Girls...I Need Some SPERM help!

2010-11-30T18:23:00.000-05:00

What a funny title is that? :) Seriously though, I need some help. I'm trying to google it and I'm getting frustrated because all I'm getting is medical jargon. I just want someone to help explain it in everyday language. I just emailed our RE, but I don't think I can wait. (And Jesse says I need to work on my patience?! HMPH!)

Okay, so Jesse went and got a new SA for giggles. It went from having amorphous and tapered forms to having pinheads, bent heads and amorphous forms. I know these are not good, but does anyone know what the heck they mean?! Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!

I'll share what I find out from the doctor...

Thanks gals!

Don't Forget to Remember

2010-11-28T11:59:00.000-05:00

That was the theme of church today. Don't forget to remember. It was such a nice service. The first few minutes or so they had clips of sounds, birds chirping, waves, eggs frying, roller coasters, and the church organ. During this time, you were supposed to remember and reflect on whatever came to mind. For me it was many memories from my childhood. I thought back to the summers spent at the lake by my grandparents. The joys of summer and my innocence of just wanting to play and swim. Family reunions at the campgrounds. Remembering all the joy that weekend brought to me each and every year with my cousins who were the coolest people I know! Fourth of July at the lake again. Watching the fireworks, sparklers and just being with my family. Thanksgiving and Christmas mornings, when mom would make scrambled eggs and bacon. We would get up and watch the parades as breakfast was cooking. Some other memories were family vacations to Cedar Point, Disney World, and Six Flags. The church organ reminded me of my grandparents church. It is so old and beautiful; ceilings painted, stained glass windows, candles...The last memory was of my wedding day. All the joy I felt that day. All the excitement of our lives to be. All the wonder of how many children we'd have, who they'd look like and just being overjoyed for marrying the man who is my soul mate!

Then we had time to reflect on what we were thankful for. This part was a little harder for me. I mean, I thought of the obvious things. I'm thankful for my family, my friends, my job, my house, our dogs... But then I really started thinking. What am I thankful for and the funny thing was I started thinking of things I NEVER thought I'd be thankful for. I am thankful for Jesse's horrible job that he had prior to owning the pizzeria. Oh how I hated that job! Owning a restaurant/bar and being the only sensible partner with work ethic, Jesse was never home! He never was around. I think back to the first few years we were married and if you wouldn't have known I was married, you never would've guessed it. I was at everything ALONE! Because of that horrible job, we are both able to see the value in everything we do together. And I know in my heart that had he stayed in that job, we wouldn't be where we are today. I highly doubt we'd even still be married.

From there I thought of our difficulty in trying to have a baby. Had God have granted this wish when we thought we were ready, I don't think Jesse would've left the job above and I know we, for sure, wouldn't be on this walk of faith we are now.

It has been through these difficult times that God made himself evident in our lives. Had we received everything we prayed for and wished for, we would've taken God and all our blessings for granted. I'm not saying we wouldn't have believed in God. We went to church, but through all these difficulties, things changed.

I began to question God and for a LONG time, I was angry at God. After all, we had done it all "right" according to God. We didn't live together before we got married, we loved each other, we went to church... So, I stopped going to church. For a LONG time! I would yell and scream and say that there can't be a God, because how could he do this to us?! Didn't he love us?! Why wasn't he listening?!

Little did I know, he does love us, he was listening, I just had to change my thoughts. Through a chain of events that I tried my damnedest to control, God took the steering wheel and directed us to a group that would change our lives. We went through a Dave Ramsey course with people that saved our finances, our lives and our marriage! While meeting with these people week after week, they talked about the church they went to and about their views. We decided to check it out. We went to this church. I had the feeling that this had to be it.

Thank goodness we did, because that church and those people have changed our lives forever. I never thought I'd be one of those people who would proclaim my love for God, but here I am. I have heard this reference a few times in the past few weeks...A turtle on a fence post. The only way the turtle got there was through the help of someone. That turtle couldn't have clawed his way to the top, someone had to have put him there. That's how I feel about our lives right now. There's no way we would be where we are today without the help of others. Chris, Adelaide, Stacie, Greg, Kristi, Sean, Julianne and Patrick, I am so thankful God brought us to you when he did. We were lost, afraid and had no direction. Now, a little less than 2 years from the time we met, Jesse and I are not lost anymore. We know who we are, we aren't afraid anymore, God is with us. We know where we're going...Wherever God puts us! Because the only reason we are where we are is because of God's gift.

All of this is a gift. The good times, the bad times, all of it. So instead of looking where we're not and what we're lacking, I plan to See the good God blesses us with, Stop to appreciate it and Say thanks for all that I have in my life.

Pics from the Fundraiser

2010-11-27T13:02:00.000-05:00

Dreams

2010-11-24T08:37:00.001-05:00

So as I wake up on this day before Thanksgiving, I had one of the best dreams ever! I had a dream that we were blessed with the miracle of twins! I don't remember how it happened, but I was there holding my boy and girl in my arms.

That don't remembering part has me thinking as I type it. Really, does it REALLY matter how my babies get to me?! The longer we're traveling this journey, the more and more it really doesn't matter to me! All I want is to be a Mommy. Have my baby(ies) here with us where they belong. Until that day comes, I'll just pray and dream about them! One day they will make it home!! I will be one excited Mommy when that happens.

As weird as it sounds I am thankful for my infertility. I hear so many friends that say that they don't appreciate their children and take their ability to have a family and be a Mommy for granted. When I become a Mom, I will cherish EVERYTHING! It will ALL be a gift...the good and the bad. Without my infertility I would probably fall into the category with my friends.

I really have a lot to be thankful for. We have such an amazing support system of family and friends, it truly humbles me. The fundraiser was a success and a total BLAST! I will post pictures later. We are still amazed by the outpouring of love and support. Our baby better be ready for all the love he/she will experience when they finally come home! There are MANY people waiting for him/her and will be pouring all their love. Hurry home, little one, hurry home!!

Hurry! It Ends TODAY! and ICLW!

2010-11-21T15:03:00.000-05:00

Jess over at A Greater Yes is hosting a giveaway that ends today! She is giving away the book When The Cradle Is Empty by John and Syliva Van Regenmorter. I have not read it, but I would be interested in reading it. Go to her site and check it out! Good luck!

Hi ICLW! We have a busy day today. We are hosting a fundraiser for our adoption. We have recently become an official family in waiting and so...we are waiting for our family to start. We spent 6 years dealing with infertility of low sperm count and saw many specialist from acupuncturists, to nutrition doctors, to many infertility specialists. After finally deciding being a Mommy and Daddy meant more to us than being pregnant, we starting pursuing adoption. Little did we know there was the miracle of embryo adoption. We are currently pursuing both domestic infant adoption and embryo adoption until one path becomes more clear! That's our story in a nutshell! Welcome!

Fundraising!

2010-11-21T13:52:00.000-05:00

With our fundraiser today, I am really excited. We had a lot of people surprise us with donations. My aunt said she has a lot of people from her work who want to help us out with our adoption journey. So, we decided to start a website for us. Here is the link if you are able at all to help!

I'll post some pictures later from the outing. It's going to be a great time!

Waiting, Waiting and Oh Yeah...MORE WAITING!

2010-11-08T20:04:00.000-05:00

I do not do well with waiting and here we go...The waiting is in full swing! I finished my profile book on
Saturday. I can't do anything with the embryo until next week, at the earliest. So it looks like it's just waiting for me! I want to know if anyone has viewed our online page, I want to know how long it will take, I want to know when our darling baby will make it home! All of these are out of my hands. Guess we'll just Wait and See!

So annoyed!

2010-11-02T18:11:00.000-04:00

So...I called the embryo lady today to set up our 3 way phone conference with me, Jesse and this embryo specialist. Imagine my complete frustration when I call and get this message, "I will be out of the office from October 29th- November 15th!" WHAT?! Over 2 weeks this woman will be "away!"

Do you think it ever crossed her mind when she sent the email to me on MONDAY, OCT. 25th to MAYBE mention that little bit of information?! The best part is she called me back, but I was in a meeting all day and said that she is pretty open the week she gets back. The week she gets back are my conferences. UGH!

I called her back and asked if there was any way we could schedule something while she is "away" and that had I known she was going to be away for so long, I would've tried to set something up faster. Jess is crazy busy the week of Halloween and I was too. I didn't think I'd have this to deal with.

After I talked to her I called Jesse hoping to find a little comfort. NO SUCH LUCK! When I called him expecting him to tell me, "Oh that stinks!" or "I'm sorry." All I got was, "It is was it is Shell!" Thanks for your sympathy. I'm not too happy right now and I feel completely BUMMED!

Paypal or Something Else?

2010-10-27T07:39:00.000-04:00

Hey guys! I need your help! We are doing a fundraiser to help us with all the adoption fees. I know there is someway to set up a paypal account to accept donations. I don't know how to do it. Is there anyone out there who has set up a paypal or other online account to accept donations for your infertility or adoption? Please help!

Here's a link to our flyer! We are sooo excited!

We're official!!!!!

2010-10-25T13:03:00.000-04:00

I hope this works! Here is the link to our page. We are an "official family in waiting!" Birthmoms can now view our page and see our portfolio book. OH MY GOSH!!! I am beyond excited!!!!!!!!!

http://www.bethany.org/A55798/bethanyWWW.nsf/0/7CD0D11E36A3A180852577C7005423C3

Catching You Up...

2010-10-16T08:03:00.001-04:00

So, I FINALLY finished my letter. I sent it into our adoption worker and she told me it was too long...Go figure. So. It is officially done now and on it's way to be completed with Bethany. We just got our completed home study. So just waiting for them to get the letter and all our pictures and video and we are official!!

I've got to call Debbie in GR to make sure she knows we're ready to go on the embryo front. OH MY GOSH!!! THINGS ARE MOVING!!!!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!

Awards, YAY!

2010-10-16T07:53:00.001-04:00

I have been nominated for 2 awards. Lex awarded me with the Versatile Blogger award. Thanks Lex! OK. So what I have to do is share 7 things about myself and then pass the award on to 7 people.

1. I tried out for the Mickey Mouse Club when I was in 6th grade. I was obsessed with the show and would always daydream about being on the show. That was BEFORE Britney, Justin and Christina were on it. Needless to say, I didn't have what it took!

2. Since I was about 7, I have been an MTV junkie. After I turned 30, I tried to stay away, telling myself that I was too old and that I needed a new show. I have grown up a little, but I can't tear myself away from The Challenges, True Life, 16 and pregnant and Teen Mom. (I am addicted to Teen Mom, I think mostly because Catelynn and Tyler are using the same adoption agency we use and we see things and places we know since we live in the same area. Okay, okay, I'm just addicted!)

3. I have a fear of basements and the dark. I don't think this is a normal fear, but a fear nonetheless. I will not go downstairs at night if I am home by myself. Don't you know only BAD things can happen then!

4. My grandfather was a mortician, so I am not afraid of death. He lived above the funeral home and we would go over there all the time. We just had to "keep it down" if he had a viewing. My favorite was when he would come upstairs to yell at us for running around and told "it sounds like a herd of elephants up here!" The best was when he didn't have a viewing, we had a HUGE area to run and play.

5. My dad is number 2 out of 12 siblings. I love having a huge family. There are around 40 cousins ages ranging from 35-2. It's pretty cool. Because of my dad's side, I always dreamed of having a large family...

6. I love make up and one day want to go to beauty school to be a make up artist. I would probably have to go for esthetician, because I have no desire to do hair. Although maybe that would be a good thing and I could learn how to actually make my hair look half way decent!

7. Eventually I think Jesse and I will be moving to one of the Carolinas. We LOVE it down there and Jesse keeps saying it's part of his 10 year plan. I don't know why, but I feel like that could become our new home!

Jess also nominated me for the Lovely Blogger. Thanks Jess! I'm going to cheat and combine these together...I hope you don't mind. The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are as follows:

Accept your award and post it on your blog along with a link to the person who has sent it to you. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you have newly discovered. You must contact the person to let them know that you have chosen them to receive the award.

Okay, so I'm going to cheat a little and combine these 2 wonderful awards:

1. Kelli over at Life, Love and the Miracle of Adoption
2. Amber over at Life in the Last Frontier
3. Lori over at Everyday Blessings
4. Ashlee over at Savor the Moment
5. Em over at Snowflakes are One of a Kind
6. Kel over at From You and Me to Family of Three
7. Laura over at The Best is Here
8. Tammy over at Tammy's Journey
9. Jen at Womb for 1 More
10. Rachel at The Adoption Chronicles

Dragging Feet

2010-09-27T17:10:00.001-04:00

So we are waiting again, story of our lives. However, I SHOULD be working on a birth mom letter so when the adoption report is done, we can be actively working our way down both paths. Why then oh why can I NOT get this darn thing started? I will think of every excuse under the sun to not work on it. I know once I sit down and actually do it, it will be done, I'll feel great and life will be wonderful. I just can't get myself to get to it... Any suggestions?!

Waiting

2010-09-20T18:38:00.000-04:00

Thank you for all your encouragement and support. I honestly don't know how ANYONE does this without the blogger world. You guys are honestly the best support system and friend ever!

The interviews were a piece of cake. I was a little annoyed because as some of you might recall, over the summer I stressed and stressed, oh and stressed a little more about the damn questionnaire we had to answer. Well over half of the questions, she "touched" on a little more. Then she asked a lot of questions about my parents and what they did as their careers. I know what they do now, but I just know where they worked while I was growing up, I don't know what their responsibilities were. I'm sure it's fine! It was just LONG! 1 1/2 hours.

But, she told me to give her 3-4 weeks and she'll have the report done. She said typically she gets them done sooner, about 2 weeks, but plan on 3-4. After that, as long as we have our birth mom letter done and our profile book, we're all set with domestic.

As for embryo, the lady had me ecstatic last week. I called after Jesse's appointment to give her the low-down. She told me that as soon as Dawn is done with our adoption report to send it to her. From there we will have a phone conference to discuss our preferences. After that, she will send us a "formal" application and we, of course, will send in a check. From there we should get our matching profiles and things should be rolling. I'm hoping by Thanksgiving, but planning for Christmas. Either way...YAY!! She also told me they have many more donors than recipients. I'm so excited.

I'm hoping by the middle of October, we should have both of our paths moving. Whichever one lands us to the baby God has been preparing us for, I'm 100% okay with.

Friends keep telling me, I can't believe it's finally happening. I know! I can't believe I'm not just talking about it, but things are actually moving...and moving FORWARD!

I'm not going to lie. My birthday was yesterday and it was much harder to turn 3-1! I kept thinking about where I had always imagined myself at 31 and where I'm not. At church yesterday, on my actual birthday, they talked about worrying and trusting in God while you wait. I know that God has a plan and although I don't really understand why people have to go through all this heartache and pain, but I know the day that baby comes home to us, all this will not matter anymore. It was all meant to be when we have our precious baby here at home with us. So, I'm trying to not look at 31 in what it's not, but instead look at it for what's to come.

Getting Anxious

2010-09-13T22:38:00.000-04:00

I'm so excited. Tomorrow is my individual meeting with Dawn, our adoption worker. I don't know what to expect, but I am just so anxious to get this going. Jesse's meeting is Wednesday. I'll probably work on the Dear Birthmom letter some time this week and then get going on the profile book. I feel like this is a dream. I feel like it's all finally coming in to place. I'm beyond excited!!! I can't wait!!!!!

Okay...Here's the NEW video

2010-09-12T17:22:00.001-04:00

Okay. So as I was looking at it today, I realized I had a picture labeled Michelle's family, but it was missing my sister! DOH! That was bad! And the pictures I wanted to add of one of my bestest friends ever were still sitting on my desktop. I don't know how people sit in front of a computer all day and are productive. We saw how many mistakes I made doing that. Hopefully this one has everyone, but I'm sure I'll be making a few more changes before Bethany gets their hands on it! :)

Oops!

2010-09-12T00:31:00.000-04:00

Oops! Yes, the video would be something that the birthmother could look at. Another type of "portfolio." Bethany recommends doing one like this because the birthmothers are so young (typically) it is a form of media they are used to.

Thanks for the comments, you guys are the best! I can't watch the video without crying. When Jess got home from work tonight, he watched it. He was crying too. The song is actually our wedding song. I thought it was perfect for this as well! Love you guys. Now I'm off to sleepy! Night, night!

Let Me Know What You Think...

2010-09-11T21:50:00.002-04:00

So, I've been busy all day working on this. Let me know what you think. I'm not sure if I should keep the captions or not?!

As for the home study...Thanks for all your support! You are the best!! It was such a breeze. It lasted for an hour at the most. They came shortly after 6. They asked us some questions about our answers from our HUGE packet. Then we answered more questions about the neighborhood, community, etc. They went on a quick "tour" of the house. They gave us paperwork. We set up our next appointments for Tues and Wed of next week. After that is done, in a bout 3-4 weeks, they will compile a written report. We will have to get our Dear Birthmother letter ready and some other things. As long as that is all complete, by the end of the 4 weeks, we could be a "family in waiting!" Thanks for all your support, you guys mean the world to us!! We love you so much!!

T Minus...

2010-09-08T17:48:00.002-04:00

15 minutes!!!! I'm so excited, anxious, and a little nervous! Thank you for all your help and support. We got ourselves a fire extinguisher for the kitchen. Turns out we already had a carbon monoxide detector in the house and the smoke alarms are all working. I'm so anxious for this to be over. I can't wait. Thank you for everything. You guys are the best! I'll let you know what happens. To be continued...

YAHOOOOOO!

2010-09-03T17:51:00.001-04:00

Before I begin, my cousin pointed out to me yesterday that it was an iconic date. One that will never happen again, at least not in my lifetime...Yesterday was "90210" day!! :0) Too funny!!

Okay, now on to the more important stuff!! I went to the agency today to look through some profile books. It was so much fun, and I am going to get started on that ASAP! While I was there Annette told me she still wasn't sure what was going on with our adoption worker. I took the initiative and called Grand Rapids (that's where they handle all of Bethany's embryo adoptions) and told her that Debbie (our nice embryo lady there) told me that our home study is to be done as a Domestic Infant adoption. They would accept that home study. She then said she'd have to talk with Dawn, the head of the adoption workers.

A short time lady, Dawn, (she was there when Jesse and I went through the adoption seminar and I had spoken to various times about questions I had) came up to me to tell me that she will be our adoption worker. I am so excited because she has been so helpful and nice. She even mentioned, she knew what a whirlwind everything has been for Jess and I. Then she continued to tell me that she wanted to set up the home visit for this week. So...on Wednesday, she will be coming. I am a little confused because I thought there were meetings with me individually, Jesse individually, us together and then the home visit?! I guess we'll find out.

So, now for all of you who have done the home visit. What should I expect? I am cleaning the house top to bottom today due to everyone coming over tomorrow for an end of summer party. And I plan to clean the floors on Sunday or Monday after everyone leaves. DO I need to go as far as organize closets and things like that? You know things I have been putting off and putting off?!?!

I'm so darn geeked!!! Say some prayers and those of you who have done the home visit, HELP!? I don't know what to expect!!!

Suggestions?

2010-09-02T08:35:00.001-04:00

Since I had to go back to work this week, I was on a buzz of organizing and getting everything I wanted to get done all summer done in a few short days. I cleaned up the computer room and found my stash of fertility books. I don't know what to do with them?! I don't want to hold on to them, yet I'm not sure where to donate them. Any suggestions?

So...

2010-08-31T22:03:00.000-04:00

I called the agency yesterday to see if we could start working on our profile book and our birth mom letter. I finally heard back today and she said yes. So on Thursday or Friday I'm going to the agency to take a look at some books and get an idea what we want to do with ours. Does anyone have any ideas? Also, does anyone have any good references for birth mom letters? I sit down to write and I have TOTAL writer's block!!

And, Annette at the agency told us we should have an adoption worker assigned to us by the end of the week!! YAY!!! Say prayers PLEASE that everything continues to progress! I'm so excited!!!

OH MY!

2010-08-28T09:54:00.000-04:00

So I was on Tiffany's blog catching up. She had a post of this song. I have never heard it before, and I was very apprehensive about playing it. It's by Kellie Coffey. Oh my. If you have never seen this before, make sure you have some tissues. I am still crying. It's so true though to anyone who has ever dreamed, longed or wished for children. I would certainly die for that...

Done!

2010-08-27T19:29:00.000-04:00

I hate when I get on these update my blog kicks. This has seriously consumed majority of my day. But don't feel too bad for me. I did have time to read half a book I'm reading while lounging in the pool. What book is that you may ask? Well, as I stated in my previous post, I was reading a very inspirational book, a biography on Tony Dungy. Well, in between my thoughtful reads, I read some quick, easy, funny reads. Okay, okay...I'm reading Tori Spelling's Mommywood. I read her first book sTori Telling and I loved it. She is very funny. Don't think any different of me. I'm telling you funny, VERY funny! Okay, I've got to go walk the dogs before the sun goes down. See ya!

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm!

2010-08-24T11:28:00.001-04:00

My husband has been listening to Tony Dungy's program on the Christian radio station on his way home from work. He asked me to get his book from the library for him. Of course there were two books to choose from, and I didn't know which one Jess wanted, so I checked out both. It turns out he wanted to read his book entitled, Uncommon. I started reading the other book Quiet Strength, more of a biography of his life.

This man is quite an inspirational man and I highly recommend reading Quiet Strength and getting Uncommon for your husbands. Uncommon is a book for men to show them how to be "uncommon" in today's society and be the best man and Christian God intended us to be.

On to my point...I was skimming through uncommon and there was a quote in there that got me to thinking. The quote is "Don't think you're on the right road just because it's a well-beaten path." ~Author Unknown

I feel as though this is God "speaking" to me through this quote. So many times when we were wondering what path we would take to begin our family, I felt I was being pressured to do what majority of people were doing. Although, I kept feeling God's quiet whisper telling me to adopt. I knew I didn't want to do anything in way of IVF for a few reasons...1) Our chances were so low, and it was such a HUGE financial burden, I couldn't risk everything for such a low percentage. 2) All those medications, shots and drugs scared the living daylights out of me. We had worked so hard to get ourselves "clean" through natural approaches, I didn't want to mess my body up with all that stuff. (I'm not saying I don't agree with IVF, it just didn't seem right for us.) I know that embryo adoption will require some medication to assist with the medical process, but according to our doctor, it would be a lot less. I am comfortable with the medication I will have to take in order to do this.

After learning about embryo adoption, I was scared too. It was so new and in a way I felt like I was cheating by wanting to take that path. I had a hard time coming to realize that embryo adoption is ADOPTION. We will be adopting a snowbaby and also (hopefully) be given the opportunity to bond with our baby from the VERY beginning.

This quote helped to realize some people may not understand our choice. They felt we were "giving up" or we were doing what they seemed odd. I learned that the only choice that matters is the one that we have prayed on and feel right with God. Embryo adoption is new, but it is a path that Jesse and I can help pave the way for other people. I am excited to start this journey and I am in love with this quote. I can't wait to see where this un-beaten path will lead!!!

Beer...You are not my friend anymore!

2010-08-22T17:40:00.003-04:00

So, as I mentioned yesterday, we went to the Tiger's game last night. After AF leaving me, I thought I'd have a beer while enjoying the game. I had one at the game, and maybe 3 sips of Jesse's beer. We went out to eat after and I had one more beer. So, at the most, I had a total of 3 beers.

This morning I got up, went to church and helped with baptisms. (That will be a new post entirely on it's own later!) I was fine. I came home and I feel like POOP! My head hurts. I have slept on the couch for 3 hours. All in all, I am feeling like someone smacked me in the head and is pushing my temples together.

I really want to go to the gym or do a P90X video, but all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch all the Project Runways I need to catch up on.

So, as I come within the month countdown to my 31st birthday, I am realizing that beer, my old friend, is no longer a friend of mine. I think I will have to put an end to this relationship!